II. Poised and Ready

*** Disclaimer: this blog is a personal story, and is published for artistic purposes only, and is in no way intended as medical advice.*** 

I walked into the doctors office calm and ready, small flutters of anticipation (or maybe just a little bit of nerves) bubbled up inside me. I was ready go get some answers, and put my mind at ease.

I grabbed a clipboard from behind the glass window, and then headed to a quite corner of the waiting room to fill out my 4 pages of paperwork. Good thing I arrived a half hour early, or I might have been late. 

As I sat in the corner, filling out my life story on a clipboard, wobbling across one, boney, knee; I kept getting drawn into the television beside me.  

I don't particularly watch a lot of television, but the program on the screen happened to be one that I had already sat through, several times.

I glanced down at the empty DVD box sitting on top of the humming BluRay player. I could hardly believe that they had that DVD here, and much less that they were playing it on repeat in their lobby. 

I started to feel a bit of joy, as the feeling that I was in the right place, at the right time, began to wash over me. 

My prescription.

That doctor visit was like no other that I had ever attended previously. I left feeling informed, and empowered.  

Everything on my list I could get from the local "health foods grocery store". Finally. . . "this is what you can do to fix it."

Home from my shopping trip, I put away the groceries from my "new" approved low FODMAP foods list, shaking my head at some of the produce bought only a few days ago, that would now likely be going to waste. 

"Only vegetables", I pushed them aside to make room for the foods that may save my life.

Moving forward... believe me, I am determined to fix it - the monster in my gut.

Back to - My Fight  

My Fight

My entire life, I was never a big fan of Dr.'s. My very first memories included shots and other types of "pokings and proddings". As a very young person there seem to be no reason for these tortures. Then again, when I was young, I thought I was invincible.

When I was a teenager that confidence was shattered. Violent stomach illnesses began to flock to me regularly. The thing I remember most about my teenage years was the sickness, and that the Dr.'s couldn't really help me or tell me what was wrong.

By some miracle it eventually stopped. I was overjoyed, yet, nervous as if a sleeping monster was under my bed. After all, I really never had gotten any answers.

Something around 15 years later, I am living my adult dreams. Loving the world, hugging trees.... bla.. bla... bla.. everything is wonderful, and, "Boom!" Slowly but surely, these creeping symptoms start to appear.

I can't go down to that place, where quality of life is so heavily compromised. I won't be stuck indoors, curled up in bed praying for the pain to stop. Drowning in the haunting memories of pain and uncertainly.

I grew up through that pain, with this pain. Defeating and surviving this pain has made me a stronger woman. So in a lot of ways I am, strangely, grateful. But that doesn't mean that I ever intend to let it take over my life.

Finally, after hours of research online, phone calls to Dr.'s offices, and to insurance companies, I had it; an appointment with a Dr. who's values aligned with my own, who also happened to take my insurance.

In the week or two that it took for this Dr. to get me in for my first checkup, I spent a lot of time worrying over all kinds of things. I worried over everything from outcomes, to what the Dr. might have to say about my vegetarian diet (which I am not prepared to give up).

The day of my appointment, I had no idea what to expect. Well, maybe I had at least a very general idea, but I was still hesitant.

Assume my past encounters with doctors have not typically been positive. I was braced and ready for impact..

Poised and ready to respond, in defense, like a snake that is about to be stepped on by a large boot.

II. Poised and Ready

In the Moment

Staying in the moment. My mind is like a wild and unruly animal, bucking, twisting, and pulling at the reigns. Wandering between past and future, like a horse pulling first to the right, and then heading straight - only for a moment - before veering back off to the left. I steer my thoughts, struggling against the beast, begging it to bend to my will. 

I find myself to be counting each long, slow, breath, demanding my focus to shift to this present action, and forbidding everything but the most basic of thoughts from entering my mind. 

For a moment all is calm. My thoughts propel forward, like a laser beam, sharp, and focused. The animal is at rest. Profound clarity penetrates my being, vibrating, echoing, within me. I cling to this place, where there is only now. Dwelling in an existence that has no past, and cares not for the future.

I am driving, speeding, down the road, aware of each and every action. There, in the empty space, something resonates. There is nothing leading up to this moment, and there is nothing to follow. Only now. . . 

A delightful, new world. This is a place I could live, but I am unprepared, and ill equipped to stay. I make the most of my visit, enjoying the fresh view.

Hours pass. Eventually, I realize that I have returned. Yes,back in the world of past imprints and future concerns. The other place has, somehow, become a fond memory. Despite my efforts, I am unsure of the moment that my return actually occurred.

Here, again, is the beast. A kitten, curled up in the corner, wiser. Knowing of this place.  Tail twitching in all directions, but slowly, and with intention. Lying in wait and ready for the hidden passageways of the mind to once again open up.

The doorway. The Escape.