For a long time I have been suppressing a longing to seek out other Dharma followers. The reason is hard to explain, but I am sure it is tied to my negative history with organized "Christian" religion. I have never been a fan of being told how to act or think.
Releasing memories, living in the now and forgetting the past. That is what this journey is about. What am I really afraid of? I know I am serious about this journey. Right?
Do I think I am going to be sucked into a deep dark cult? No - not really. I honestly do not believe that sort of thing happens to strong minded people. I know that I can walk out if I find anything that is intolerable.
Is it a fear of being judged? I do not typically think of myself as the type of person who worries over what others think of me, but this question keeps arising.
Perhaps I am afraid that I will like what the experience, or maybe I will find displeasure within the Zendo. What if... what if.... all the "what ifs" are irrelevant.
Here I stand, one foot inside and the other dragging behind, ready to run. "What are you running from?" I ask myself, but there is no answer.
In this moment I am undecided, and tomorrow is not to be worried over. So, tomorrow the question will be, which path will I take?
