Life in a Hurry

Life in a Hurry 

I lived my life in such a hurry. 

That it became almost impossible to slowdown. 

Losing myself in the busyness, 

and forgetting who I am. 

Muscle memory taking over. 

Living my life in auto pilot

while life passes me by. 

Never fully present, 

always thinking about the next thing.

That's my life in a hurry.

II. Poised and Ready

*** Disclaimer: this blog is a personal story, and is published for artistic purposes only, and is in no way intended as medical advice.*** 

I walked into the doctors office calm and ready, small flutters of anticipation (or maybe just a little bit of nerves) bubbled up inside me. I was ready go get some answers, and put my mind at ease.

I grabbed a clipboard from behind the glass window, and then headed to a quite corner of the waiting room to fill out my 4 pages of paperwork. Good thing I arrived a half hour early, or I might have been late. 

As I sat in the corner, filling out my life story on a clipboard, wobbling across one, boney, knee; I kept getting drawn into the television beside me.  

I don't particularly watch a lot of television, but the program on the screen happened to be one that I had already sat through, several times.

I glanced down at the empty DVD box sitting on top of the humming BluRay player. I could hardly believe that they had that DVD here, and much less that they were playing it on repeat in their lobby. 

I started to feel a bit of joy, as the feeling that I was in the right place, at the right time, began to wash over me. 

My prescription.

That doctor visit was like no other that I had ever attended previously. I left feeling informed, and empowered.  

Everything on my list I could get from the local "health foods grocery store". Finally. . . "this is what you can do to fix it."

Home from my shopping trip, I put away the groceries from my "new" approved low FODMAP foods list, shaking my head at some of the produce bought only a few days ago, that would now likely be going to waste. 

"Only vegetables", I pushed them aside to make room for the foods that may save my life.

Moving forward... believe me, I am determined to fix it - the monster in my gut.

Back to - My Fight  

My Fight

My entire life, I was never a big fan of Dr.'s. My very first memories included shots and other types of "pokings and proddings". As a very young person there seem to be no reason for these tortures. Then again, when I was young, I thought I was invincible.

When I was a teenager that confidence was shattered. Violent stomach illnesses began to flock to me regularly. The thing I remember most about my teenage years was the sickness, and that the Dr.'s couldn't really help me or tell me what was wrong.

By some miracle it eventually stopped. I was overjoyed, yet, nervous as if a sleeping monster was under my bed. After all, I really never had gotten any answers.

Something around 15 years later, I am living my adult dreams. Loving the world, hugging trees.... bla.. bla... bla.. everything is wonderful, and, "Boom!" Slowly but surely, these creeping symptoms start to appear.

I can't go down to that place, where quality of life is so heavily compromised. I won't be stuck indoors, curled up in bed praying for the pain to stop. Drowning in the haunting memories of pain and uncertainly.

I grew up through that pain, with this pain. Defeating and surviving this pain has made me a stronger woman. So in a lot of ways I am, strangely, grateful. But that doesn't mean that I ever intend to let it take over my life.

Finally, after hours of research online, phone calls to Dr.'s offices, and to insurance companies, I had it; an appointment with a Dr. who's values aligned with my own, who also happened to take my insurance.

In the week or two that it took for this Dr. to get me in for my first checkup, I spent a lot of time worrying over all kinds of things. I worried over everything from outcomes, to what the Dr. might have to say about my vegetarian diet (which I am not prepared to give up).

The day of my appointment, I had no idea what to expect. Well, maybe I had at least a very general idea, but I was still hesitant.

Assume my past encounters with doctors have not typically been positive. I was braced and ready for impact..

Poised and ready to respond, in defense, like a snake that is about to be stepped on by a large boot.

II. Poised and Ready

Pretty and Smart

Smart girls can rule the world, the really can do anything.
Pretty girls can attract the eye of the entire world without saying a word.
Beautiful girls are both pretty and smart.

A poem inspired by all the beautiful women who are hiding their true intelligence. Let it shine. Pretty is only skin deep.

Aha! A Poem! Kyttnyoga.blogspot.com

Dipping My Toes in the Dharma

Dipping My Toes in the Dharma

Stumbling out of the thick forest brush
I happen upon a river bank
Freedom can be seen in the distance 
Standing on the shore
straining to see the other side
I dip my toes in the pool
The water is warm and inviting
Clear waters, cleaning the mind
Venturing further from the shore
I am drifting away 

from a reflection of who I was before
I am swimming now
The water purifies and refreshes
washing away my imperfections
as I strain to reach the other shore

Dharma doors, gates are open

I seek them along the way

dipping my toes in cool water

till I reach the other shore

Dark Clouds

I love him so much. He gets me in ways that no-one else can, and yet he still doesn't get me. . . I don't even get me sometimes.
How foolish we are, expecting each other to understand deeply seeded emotions that we ourselves hardly know and recognize as our own.
Untangling Indra's net. . . Deeply reflecting.

We cannot shed light on one another without first pointing that light inward, where shadows and monsters lurk.
So dark. . . Emotional scars, twisting through the walls of our mind's like storm clouds blocking out the sun.
Bring the wind. . . Let it blow, hard, so that we may see clearly, obstructions cleared.

Amaya sat frozen, lost in the words on the page in front of her. So dark, and yet so true. She was in a dark place, but somehow she had never felt better. 

She, He, & The Spider

She and He were gliding down the sidewalk. Ice cream in hand, fresh Texas night air, sending tingles up her neck. So delightful. Summer had always been her favorite season.

He stood tall, and tight. The seriousness of his stance could only be offset by the warmth of his smile. What a smile. He smiled with his eyes; eyes you could get lost in if you were not careful.

Side by side, under the large, stone, awning they wandered, peacefully. The night was perfect. Perfect as every moment. But moments are momentary.

Suddenly the peace was broken. She gasped, and turned around, frowning, as she held out her popsicle stick.

It was as if he were peering right through the melting dessert between them. She wasn't sure if he had seen the spider violating the end of her evening ice cream indulgence.

"It's a spider" she pouted. From the look on his faces she was unclear if he was waiting for her to continue, or just wondering what the problem was. "I might have eaten it" she continued.

"It wouldn't have been your fault" he grinned, but she felt otherwise.

If she had been less aware, off in a day dream, not paying attention, she would have eaten the spider, and it would have been her fault.

She smiled and, gently, shook the spider off to the side of the walkway. Her eyes darted side to side, wildly, searching for the nearest garbage can.

Both smiling, together, they turned back in the direction they had come from.

She never had to touch a door handle or knob while he was around. It was a small gesture that revealed a lot more than the couple would reveal about themselves verbally.

It felt good, sitting in the passenger seat beside him. As the car pointed back in the direction of home, she was grateful. Life is so fleeting, always winding, full of ups and downs, but she felt fortunate.

"What a weekend."

Cat Person

I've heard people say "cats are selfish, lazy, cold, and unloving. Cats are hardly even pets." Occasionally I even get comments like "Cats? Who could possibly love that?" and "What kind of person likes cats."

Dogs are "man's best friend". Dog people are often described as "loyal, loving, fun." Which may be true, but who says cat people can’t be that way too?

Nothing is forever. In the earliest days I can remember, I always wanted a dog. I have had two dogs in my life, and I loved both of them. They were good dogs, and there are days when I feel like I need to rush out and get a dog.

It wouldn’t be fair -getting a dog. We are very busy, always on the move. Dogs take time, we don’t have time right now. Maybe when we retire, then we would have time – but that’s a LONG ways away. No time soon.

I am happy with our cat. Rini is a short, round, grey and tan, ball of fluff. Light green eyes, and a questioning face. She was the runt of the litter, so she is small in stature with delicate legs and paws. (A sharp contrast to her thick trunk.)

Rini has personality to spare.  She doesn’t need me, but she sure loves it when I let her sit in my lap while I am working. Sometimes Rini gets so relaxed that she will drool all over my lap like Cujo.

She is an odd ball… oh, did I mention that Rini doesn’t have a tail? More like a backwards facing, hooked, nub. Now it seems like cats with tails are strange. They don’t even walk the same. Rini walks more like a raccoon than a cat – rolling back and forth, butt leading the wobble.

“Me?” I’m a cat person. . .  I’m loyal, loving, fun, and although I’d rather have a cat living with me, I could play fetch and snuggle a puppy all day.

I’m sure there are some “crazy cat ladies out there” but most of us are great. I don’t mind that my cat doesn’t come to me unless it wants something – most of the time she wants to cuddle.

Other times she cries to go outside, and begs for me to let her do something that I told her she couldn’t do. (Ok, maybe I am a little bit of a crazy cat lady –I do talk to my cat.)

Although she doesn’t understand the words, the tone of my voice is not lost on her. She argues (I rather think of her as arguing than whining, it makes her fussing more amusing to me.)

I don’t need to control Rini, or for her to love me, although she may, I am just happy I get to hang out with her.

I think cat people are confident, independent, and contemplating. They can hold back, or release everything in a ball of fury, but they are loyal friends, with big hearts, and deep emotions.

Not a bad person to have around, if you ask me.

 

 

The Worst Flu Ever, A Fairly Positive Experiance

I am typically a fairly healthy human being. I live on a vegetarian diet, of mostly organic fruits and vegetables. The best part is I rarely get sick, with the exception of cold and flu season.

Once a year, as the temperatures drop and the holidays approach, I always seem to catch something cold or flu like. Still it's not too bad because, although this year was a bit different, in past years I am typically only ill for about 48 hours and then good to go minus a few sniffles.

Here I am, day 3 of the worst flu ever, and as of now feeling fairly good and hoping to head back into the office in the morning. I am a strong advocate of listening to your body, and fortunately for me this year blessed me with a new job that allows me to work from home if needed.

So I was able to work with my laptop bundled up in bed with a pile of tissues and and endless supply of constantly refilling water (thanks to my loving man) while I wimped it out. What a blessing!

Unfortunately many employers do not offer healthy options for sick employees to take it easy and avoid infecting the workforce by working elsewhere. Sometimes this is not possible due to the type of work being preformed.

I love my job. We have a great boss and team AND we also are allowed to use our PTO days as sick days if we do suddenly become ill. There are a lot of jobs today that do not offer PTO to their employees, OR do not allow vacation days to be used as sick days, such was the case at my last job.

Money is tight everywhere, and most of the employees that do not get these benefits are average middle class employees - employees with families to support and bills to pay. For some of these people missing even a day of work could could be the difference between food on the table this week, or getting the power disconnected.

Imagine what having the flu for 3-7 days could do to a family that is barley getting buy. No work - No Pay. No Work - No Food. With these circumstances it should not come as a surprise to you that 60-90% of workers come into work while ill. It is a sad fact.

Counting my blessings, this year I was able to stick out this 3 day beast of a flu in bed, thanks to my new job and understanding boss.

It hit me like a ton of bricks on Monday night at around 9pm, I was on my way home from work and several errands. Out of nowhere I was assaulted by a fever, aches from head to toe, and the worst headache ever.

On Tuesday, I was lost in bed. I slept all day, merciless to the symptoms, I surrendered to my body and let the immune system war take off. Sweet surrender, I realized that the flu "just was" there was nothing I could really do about it but let my body fight and drink lots of water.

Side note, I personally do not believe in taking any medication that masks symptoms created by your body's immune system such as a fever. I remember learning at a very young age that your body creates a fever to kill off bad things like viruses and germs that make you sick.

It has been my experience that every time in the past I have stepped in and interrupted that process, often because I was trying to go to work while sick rather then let my body recover, I stay sick longer. For me, these medications only seem make being sick tolerable, and they never seem to help me to get well.

Wednesday I worked, bundled up with fever in a pile of blankets, body aching head to toe. I must add that my boss offered and assumed that I was taking PTO but I insisted otherwise as my winter holiday vacation starts very soon. I had high hopes that I would return to the office on Thursday morning.

Thursday morning I wake up not felling 100% but still much better than before. "Maybe I will be able to go to work after all" I thought. I got out of bed and picking the empty water cup from my night stand headed towards the kitchen.

I hadn't made it but a few steps outside of my bedroom door when I realized that something was horribly wrong. I was weak, cold, sweaty, nauseous, and if I did not sit down soon I was going to black out. Luckily I threw myself at the sofa just in time.

It was amazing at how quickly things had gone downhill, and gotten a little scarey. In a few seconds it was as if someone had dumped a bucket of cold water onto me. I was sweating from head to toe, and every time I stood up the cycle started over again.

Needless to say I had my loving man bring all the things I needed back to the bed for me, including my work laptop, and I got back to work. Honestly, as long as I was not moving around I felt fairly alright.

Right now, Thursday night, I feel fairly alright, and do not seem to have a fever. (I say seem because the thermometer broke.) Other than a stuffy nose, drainage and a small cough, I feel pretty good, and THANK GOODNESS!

This monster flu was a great reminder to me that, in the fast paced world we live in it is important that we take the time to stop, slow down, and listen to what our body is trying to tell us. This year the flu actually demanded I listen to my body.

I feel good right now, and hopefully will be able to head back into the office tomorrow. Either way, you better believe that I will be listening when I wake up in the morning so that I can be sure to hear what my body is telling me.