Local Buddhist Center

Photo by Revolution Photos

For a long time I have been suppressing a longing to seek out other Dharma followers. The reason is hard to explain, but I am sure it is tied to my negative history with organized "Christian" religion. I have never been a fan of being told how to act or think.

Releasing memories, living in the now and forgetting the past. That is what this journey is about. What am I really afraid of? I know I am serious about this journey. Right?

Do I think I am going to be sucked into a deep dark cult? No - not really. I honestly do not believe that sort of thing happens to strong minded people. I know that I can walk out if I find anything that is intolerable.

Is it a fear of being judged? I do not typically think of myself as the type of person who worries over what others think of me, but this question keeps arising.

Perhaps I am afraid that I will like what the experience, or maybe I will find displeasure within the Zendo. What if... what if.... all the "what ifs" are irrelevant. 

Here I stand, one foot inside and the other dragging behind, ready to run. "What are you running from?" I ask myself, but there is no answer.

In this moment I am undecided, and tomorrow is not to be worried over. So, tomorrow the question will be, which path will I take? 

Failure

I failed miserably today.

Got wrapped up in worries over how to fix a problem that was out of my hands.

Today I lost my cool. Became overwhelmed and frustrated.

Setbacks. Anxious over silly worldly matters. Desire for a solution that eluded me.

Lost. How do I stay in this moment, and hold a job in the world?

Is it really possible to live today with no concern over tomorrow? Is it possible that I could do such a thing?

Flawed.  I am deeply flawed, worrying. . . Lost.

Material items, worldly joys, and sorrows are all illusions. Why cling to them?

I know this only causes pain. Why can't I just let it all go?

It is all temporary. Why grasp it?

Logic is here now, but where was it earlier?

I failed today, but maybe realizing that I failed is actually a small victory. 

The Who and Now

I have been attempting to focus my mind in this present moment. 

 

Photo by David Rivera

On occasion I manage to hone in on this experience, where I have no past and no worries over the future.  These moments are so precious, but each time I realize that I have attained this state it instantly vanishes. 

I am unable to contain the minor frustration as this goal floats just outside my grasp. Each time I reach for it, grasp at it, desire it, it vanishes. What is "it"?

I am nobody, and that is when I am the happiest. 

We all want to be somebody - proud of where we came from, and the events that have shaped us into who we have become.

Everyone has a story, heritage to be proud of, and battles won. Identities we cling to.

We are all so desperate to hold onto these objects that we identify with. They make us who we are, but these moments are gone. Irrelevant.  Delusions.  Dreams. 

We cannot touch these past encounters. What benefit does recalling them actually serve? 

Sometimes I feel as if people who wake up from head injuries with no recollection of who they were previously are truly blessed.  

Such a huge task lies in front of me. Not only must I forget my past, but I also need to disregard the moments that might occur in my future. 

What is this? Is it the notion of "no self" or is it "living in the present"? Maybe these two things are actually one. 

Enlightenment is one thing, built of many things that actually have no separation.

Indescribable - words never do justice to the things I see and feel. Language has so many limitations. 

Words are tools, not toys,  but so often we use them carelessly. 

I talk too much. Words are nothing. A human invention. They can be addictive, and I am hooked. 

Sometimes it feels as if I am a lost cause, only realizing that my words lack value in reflection.   

Progress is the realization of a problem where once no knowledge was present. There was a time when I did not grasp my senselessness. Pride and ego often blind us to our imperfections. 

Gradually things are getting better, but perfection still seems so far away. What knots must I unravel to alleviate this affliction? What is the root cause?

More reflection is needed.

Anatta - The River

Anatta - refers to the notion of "not-self" or the illusion of "self" sometimes refereed to as ego. 


I am a river, not the person I was yesterday. Always changing. The water is different, quickly flowing downstream. Strong currents moving pebbles and debris downstream as well. The banks of me are changing, though at a slower pace. There is not one part of me that is fixed. Even the large rock and boulders, that the rest is stacked upon, will weather down and one day drift away.

Nothing within is fixed, so there cannot be a "me" or "I".




Photo By David Rivera - Revolution Photos TX

Fragile

It hardly seemed real. Seeing the full name of someone who had once been very close to me displayed next to the word obituary on the computer screen. Certainly I must be confused.

It's common for people to see faces in inanimate objects where none actually exists. We are automatically programmed to seek out familiarities in situations that or foreign to us. Surely, I must be mistaken.

Thinking back. Did I ever really hear that middle name? The age? It could be a coincidence. Jumping to conclusions. My mind playing tricks on me.

Fingers, frantically strumming, desperately seeking to disprove answers that my hart already had. In dental, trying to lift the rock that had become lodged, heavy in my stomach.

Why? There it was. The confirmation on my screen. Undeniable proof of the horrid injustice.

He was not even thirty years old, and always a wonderful, caring person. A bright light in the world. Why?

Such things hardly seem fair, but then again they aren't. This world is not a fair place, and life is fragile. Death lurks around every corner as we often take this life for granted.

I don't want to look at this truth in front of me, but it is almost impossible to look away. This is real, and pretending otherwise is not helpful.

I still remember the day, the beginning of the end was it 6. . . 7 years ago? A scary situation, though at the time nobody had yet realize the chain of events that had suddenly been put into motion. 

Thanksgiving day at my grandparents house. My phone rings. I cannot recall the conversation, but I remember being called to the hospital.

There had been a car accident. Someone had speed carelessly through a red light. The domino effect, that would take a while to be come apparent. 

Sitting in the ER waiting room. I still remember his calm and cool posture. Slouched back in the plastic waiting room seat, green Converse shoe popping out of the white and blue hospital gown over a crossed knee.  "Look, I got blood on my favorite shoes!" He said it with a huge smile. 

He always had a way of lighting the mood with his infectious smile.  Why should this moment be any different. 

Months down the road, I remember him describing strange events where he would loose time. These instances would often occur during his morning showers. He would "wake up" or "snap out of it" and the water in the shower would have run cold. 

We decided these must have been big gaps, since our thirty gallon water heater was sufficient for a fairly long shower.

Seizures. Eventually these events were named. The accident had caused much more damage than was originally discovered. Lasting damage, permanent, and eventually the end.

Last one to know, the news now over a year old, but still a shock to me. Processing the information and letting it sink in.

This bright light, prematurely extinguished. Drawing the lesson that life is fragile. Further proof that we can never guarantee tomorrow. A valuable lesson, from an unfortunate tragedy.

My Sangha - The Tempermental Buddha

As I journey down this road less traveled, seeking the spiritual life, I venture into a place unknown by my friends and loved ones. Living in a Judeo-Christian nation, teachers and followers of the Buddha Dharma are a rarity. Living in a small Texas town, there are no Guru's or temples to visit for instruction.

I do not personally know any true "Buddhist practitioners" nor, to my knowledge, have I met any. Some might say that a solitary study of the Buddha Dharma is a hindrance, or possibly even a problem, but I do not see it that way.

The historical Buddha, Shakyamuni, is said to have reached enlightenment after a six year journey on his own, at the age of 35. It is my understanding that on the path to enlightenment Siddhartha learned and studied with religious seekers from a variety of religions, none of them "Buddhist."

Eventually, upon reaching enlightenment, Shakyamuni Buddha was able to share and explain the Dharma that he had learned to his companions and family, rapidly gathering a multitude of disciples.

Despite these difficulties, I am extremely grateful for the tools that I do have, though I still wish I had more free time. Living in modern American society, and having a full time job, leaves very little time for religious study and meditation.

I began my journey on the internet, reading on Buddhist websites and listening to free downloads of Dharma lectures. As my thirst for knowledge grew, so did my sources. A radio commercial for the local used book store, advertising twenty percent off already low prices, directed me to a new source of affordable study materials.

I now take great joy in, and look forward to, spending my spare moments deep in the study of these materials. I feel as if I have come a very long way since taking on my first five precepts. Since I have no traditional sangha to guide and assist me in my practice, I feel that it is my duty to hold myself to a very high moral standard. 

When a student who is involved in  a more traditional, communal, study of the Dharma teachings decides to commit themselves to living a life based on the Buddha's teachings - by taking refuge in the three jewels (Buddha, Dharma, & Sangha) and taking on the first five precepts - there is often a small ceremony, similar to a baptism, where a new "Buddhist name" is given. 

I pondered over taking a name for a while, not wanting to take this commitment lightly. One I felt as if I was ready, the name came easily, but still, I reflected over it for a while.

I don’t see anything wrong with my solitary studies. In fact, I believe this solitude has played an instrumental part in my development of an unbiased practice, forcing me to truly question and test out the subjects of my studies, allowing me to draw my own conclusions about the teachings. 

Lessons and sanghas come in many shapes and forms. I have heard, in sermons, that the Buddha said something to the effect of "anything that leads to enlightenment, take it as my Dharma." I am paraphrasing, but the message was clear to me. 

There is another quote hat I hold near to my heart - “People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.” - Dalai Lama XIV. 

As I hike along through the mountains of my Dharma journey it is apparent that my path is not well traveled. As I push forward, cutting away at the overgrown weeds in my own mind, I have no fear. This is my road, but I am not entirely alone. 

Someone very close to me, who is definitely not a Buddhist, has actually been a huge help in pushing me to pursue “putting my Dharma where my mouth is” with constant reminders like, “Don’t talk about it - be about it.”

This person’s paradoxical tendencies are always intriguing to me. A unique personality, layered with innate Buddha like wisdom, but this vessel simultaneously houses a very non-Buddha like temperament. A living embodiment of Yin and Yang - he is my sangha, and my guru. 

With joy, I chuckle to myself.  "In such an unlikely place. . . My Temperamental Buddha.” 

Moments

Flashes of brilliant clarity moving in waves.
In realization I reach out with my mind, as if attempting to nail down these fleeting states of consciousness.

The fingers of my mind reaching,grasping, and the moment is gone. I barely miss, as the moment vanishes like a cloud of smoke. It is as if my effort is a strong wind, rapidly dispersing the vapor.

Sitting, mildly frustrated, searching for answers. Reflecting on the hours of study. Despite my efforts, I am unable to maintain the dagger like concentration that I can still remember from only a few weeks ago.

Moving in waves, flowing like the oceans washing over me, purifying, cleansing. Mind seeing clearly without eyes that deceive.

Moments, flashes of brilliant clarity, are still just moments subject to change.

Photo by David Rivera of Revolution Photos 

In the Moment

Staying in the moment. My mind is like a wild and unruly animal, bucking, twisting, and pulling at the reigns. Wandering between past and future, like a horse pulling first to the right, and then heading straight - only for a moment - before veering back off to the left. I steer my thoughts, struggling against the beast, begging it to bend to my will. 

I find myself to be counting each long, slow, breath, demanding my focus to shift to this present action, and forbidding everything but the most basic of thoughts from entering my mind. 

For a moment all is calm. My thoughts propel forward, like a laser beam, sharp, and focused. The animal is at rest. Profound clarity penetrates my being, vibrating, echoing, within me. I cling to this place, where there is only now. Dwelling in an existence that has no past, and cares not for the future.

I am driving, speeding, down the road, aware of each and every action. There, in the empty space, something resonates. There is nothing leading up to this moment, and there is nothing to follow. Only now. . . 

A delightful, new world. This is a place I could live, but I am unprepared, and ill equipped to stay. I make the most of my visit, enjoying the fresh view.

Hours pass. Eventually, I realize that I have returned. Yes,back in the world of past imprints and future concerns. The other place has, somehow, become a fond memory. Despite my efforts, I am unsure of the moment that my return actually occurred.

Here, again, is the beast. A kitten, curled up in the corner, wiser. Knowing of this place.  Tail twitching in all directions, but slowly, and with intention. Lying in wait and ready for the hidden passageways of the mind to once again open up.

The doorway. The Escape. 

Now

Now is is on my mind

Now is the place that I am exploring 

Now is this moment of clarity 

Now I am clinging to this state of present because

Now is where am trying to stay - steering my mind away from the future

The future that is elusive

The future that cannot be forecast 

The future that is constantly changing because of actions that we are carrying out now

The future is not where we are dwelling, and visiting it is a fantasy

The future is not relevant or certain  until now merges into it

Now is precious, each moment we have is a gift

Now is here - it is concrete, true

Now is clarity - directing the mind to stay in this place brings peace

Now is the only moment that is real, everything else is gone or an illusion

Now can have no effect on the past because the past is a place that cannot be touched

The past is gone forever - never to return

The past is a tool used for learning, viewed like a story in a movie

The past is not a place to dwell because it cannot be changed

The past, now gone, is no longer relevant to our current state

The past has passed, evolving into the now

Now is the only moment within our control - it is a time to act with mindfulness

Now is the home that we live in, the place we are meant to stay

Now is the only moment that is truly guaranteed - we cannot count on plans for tomorrow

Now the inspiration is flowing smoothly, clearly - serenity surrounds me and I am free

Now staying, holding onto the present

Ego Is a Child

I sit 

quietly listening 

Gazing out the window

The sound of my breath caresses 

Thoughts  rolling in like dark storm clouds

Contemplating harsh words, and insults - raindrops in my mind

A narrow mind carelessly propelling lightening bolts from unskilled lips

The ego is awake and is sulking in the corner, like a child, asking to be understood

Attempting to shake this illusion, I bid my mind to move in a new direction - scolding the child

I struggle to view myself through foreign eyes, seeking to understand my aggressor

Fingering through lessons in my mind like pages of an encyclopedia

Buddhist elders, words of wisdom, reminding me of unity

the child is gone, or perhaps she might only be hiding

regardless of her location, I feel an easement

Free in clear mind, there is no self

only for a fleeting moment

I am only now

the past

is

gone.