Failure

I failed miserably today.

Got wrapped up in worries over how to fix a problem that was out of my hands.

Today I lost my cool. Became overwhelmed and frustrated.

Setbacks. Anxious over silly worldly matters. Desire for a solution that eluded me.

Lost. How do I stay in this moment, and hold a job in the world?

Is it really possible to live today with no concern over tomorrow? Is it possible that I could do such a thing?

Flawed.  I am deeply flawed, worrying. . . Lost.

Material items, worldly joys, and sorrows are all illusions. Why cling to them?

I know this only causes pain. Why can't I just let it all go?

It is all temporary. Why grasp it?

Logic is here now, but where was it earlier?

I failed today, but maybe realizing that I failed is actually a small victory. 

The Who and Now

I have been attempting to focus my mind in this present moment. 

 

Photo by David Rivera

On occasion I manage to hone in on this experience, where I have no past and no worries over the future.  These moments are so precious, but each time I realize that I have attained this state it instantly vanishes. 

I am unable to contain the minor frustration as this goal floats just outside my grasp. Each time I reach for it, grasp at it, desire it, it vanishes. What is "it"?

I am nobody, and that is when I am the happiest. 

We all want to be somebody - proud of where we came from, and the events that have shaped us into who we have become.

Everyone has a story, heritage to be proud of, and battles won. Identities we cling to.

We are all so desperate to hold onto these objects that we identify with. They make us who we are, but these moments are gone. Irrelevant.  Delusions.  Dreams. 

We cannot touch these past encounters. What benefit does recalling them actually serve? 

Sometimes I feel as if people who wake up from head injuries with no recollection of who they were previously are truly blessed.  

Such a huge task lies in front of me. Not only must I forget my past, but I also need to disregard the moments that might occur in my future. 

What is this? Is it the notion of "no self" or is it "living in the present"? Maybe these two things are actually one. 

Enlightenment is one thing, built of many things that actually have no separation.

Indescribable - words never do justice to the things I see and feel. Language has so many limitations. 

Words are tools, not toys,  but so often we use them carelessly. 

I talk too much. Words are nothing. A human invention. They can be addictive, and I am hooked. 

Sometimes it feels as if I am a lost cause, only realizing that my words lack value in reflection.   

Progress is the realization of a problem where once no knowledge was present. There was a time when I did not grasp my senselessness. Pride and ego often blind us to our imperfections. 

Gradually things are getting better, but perfection still seems so far away. What knots must I unravel to alleviate this affliction? What is the root cause?

More reflection is needed.