How Gratitude Has Changed My Life

Not too long ago, I was reading a book filled with mindfulness practices. One of them suggested keeping a gratitude journal. Every night before bed I was supposed to write down at least five things that I was grateful for.

Being a modern woman, I downloaded a gratitude journal app for my phone that would remind me to make my entries. At first I started entering the items regularly before bed. On some occasions I would enter my blessings in the mornings before work.

Upon realizing that the gratitude entries had become less and less frequent, I was a bit disappointed in myself, unaware that an unknown changed had already begun. Even though I was no longer entering items into my gratitude journal, I decided to leave the pop up reminder on my phone.

I started to keep my gratitude journal in my head. At first, any time I saw the reminder display across my screen (two to three times a day), I would look around to see all of the the things that I was grateful for and numbed off a handful of fortunate thing in my head.

Eventually this practice seeped into the foreground of my life. Before I knew it, every time something good happened to me I found myself making mental notes, even about the small things.

As  the gratitude continued to grow, the practice evolved again. Once again, I did not notice  when the shift happened. All of the sudden I noticed myself looking for the good in most situations, even the difficult ones.

Now any time there is a slight annoyance in my life, or something that can be perceived as negative I find myself looking at the positive. For example, when my coffee doesn't taste "just right" in the morning, and my thoughts immediately jump to, "well, I am glad that I have coffee."

It is a big change that seems to have happened over night. I am amazed at how joyful I feel, because I thought I was pretty darn happy before.

I am constantly saying thank you (mostly to myself and in my head, but also out loud and to others). Some days, I have so much gratitude it feels like I might overflow, spilling thank you's all around me. like leaves off a fall tree. There is so much to be thankful for if you open your eyes to it.

Warning this practice can lead to random feelings of happiness and smiling.

Interruptions (Meditating with Cats)

I have a cat who thinks sitting on a meditation cushion is how I offer her my attention. At first I try to ignore her wailing cries because, "meditation is supposed to be about letting things be as they are without trying to change them". Eventually she wins, and my compassion gets the best of me. . . I am petting the cat..

Rini is delighted, and purrs loudly. She presses her boney shoulders into my hands, digging my fingers more deeply into her fur. I find myself wondering if this is truly a distraction or if it might be possible to be present with an animal, like Rini the Cat. Ignoring her, as she begs for something I normally give freely, seems cruel.

Her desires are so simple. She talks, begs, all the time but normally only wants one of two things - attention or food. Rini seems to be very happy when she has a full bowl and my full attention. She is a simple creature but not dumb. When you look into her eyes you can tell she is thinking and problem solving.

Who am I to deny her something she wants so badly? Rini cannot possibly understand why I would sit motionless, apparently doing nothing, and deny her my available hands.

After giving Rini five minutes of my sitting time, I decide to bring my hands back to their resting place in my lap. At first she nuzzles me all over, trying to will my hands back into motion, but this time Rini does not cry.

I settle my eyes on the wall in front of me and readjust my posture. Rini settles too. She sits beside me on the rug, purring loudly, with her head snuggled into my side. We finish my practice. Everybody wins.

Rini is a ten year old Manx cat. She has always been very affectionate and talkative. She has been with me since she was a kitten and is definitely a member of our family.

Sick Days and Days of Self Compassion

I was in middle school when they informed me that my condition was chronic. IBS seemed like a "half assed" diagnosis, considering it came with no real answers. The doctors had run out of drugs, ideas, and advice. I was told they did not know why this was happening to me, or if it would ever stop.

This was my puberty. I was constantly sick and in pain. I was truly miserable. Most days I wanted to throw in the towel and give up on everything. My flame was burning low, but something inside kept me going.

Fortunately, as I entered high school, the illness began to clear up. There are people who suffer their entire lives with the debilitating symptoms of IBS. I was extremely fortunate. By the time I started tenth grade all of the  symptoms that had plagued me though out junior high were gone.

A miracle!

In the beginning I spent a lot of time worrying that my ailment would return but eventually, after being symptom free for an extended amount of time, the fear began to dissolve. Now seemingly invincible, I could eat anything I wanted without the slightest fear of  repercussions.

I was one hundred percent symptom free for just under ten years. That silly, smiling, girl was back.

The doctors were wrong. . . I. . . was. . . cured. . .

Unfortunately, my assumptions were incorrect.

Over the past 4 years I have suffered numerous attacks. At first the symptoms were infrequent, only one or two sick days in the first year  and a half of their return. I was grateful.

Before I had allowed the disease to consume my entire life. (It was hard to not to, I could barley function.) This time the attacks were much less disruptive, allowing me to continue my life outside of being sick. 

As the illness crept back into my life, I was determined not to allow it to drag me back into the darkness. I truly believe my Dharma practice has been the key to unlocking my ability to stay positive though this suffering. 


What is different this time around?

1. Mindfulness. I have been spending a LOT more time lately "just being" focusing the mind on now, and acknowledging all of the sensations  as they are within me. The goal is not to resist or follow them. Needless to say some days are still more successful than others.

Before starting a mindfulness practice I was unable to notice many subtle movements within my physical body. Now more aware of "new" sensations, I am able to taking mental notes of small symptoms that would have previously gone unnoticed. 

2. Took learning into my own hands. I studied food, nutrition, and digestion.  The good, the bad, the amazing, and the ugly. Learning about how the human digestive tract works to fuel our bodies with nutrition has changed my world in ways I can not even begin to explain.

Understanding digestion has taught me what to look for in my body, and it has become much easier to spot symptoms more effectively. Unlike before, this time around, I was able to have a very productive and knowledgeable conversation with my doctor. I victoriously headed for home, head high, armed with solid information about what was happening in my body and a plan that would have my IBS on the run.

3. Self compassion. In round one with IBS, my preteen solution had been to power through it. Grin and bear it. I was tough, hard. I learned to push and fight against my body, bending it to my will. (Or at least that is how I tried to think of myself.)

Although I started a compassion practice a few years ago, I have never been one to have compassion for myself. Even now, self compassion is something that I must work to be mindful of. My aching gut and tired body were the best place for me to start practicing self compassion, right where I needed it the most.



Maybe all these things helped me to battle with this stomach beast, or maybe the sickness helped me to focus more inward on these values. I am not sure, it is still something that I am reflecting on. I do know that, this time around, I am not going to let IBS get me down. 

A Buddha in the Office - 5 Tips For Bringing the Dharma to Work

Depending on where you work, remaining calm and mindful though the work day may seem like a nearly impossible task. Many jobs these days are extremely high pressure (or is it that we perceive these jobs as high pressured?).

With all the demands and deadlines, how can we be Buddhas all day every day, especially where we need it the most - at work.

Here are a few things to try or consider:

1. Do not worry over "who's job is it". If there is a job to do, and you are capable - Do it! How can you expect to cultivate oneness in the work place if your mindset fosters an "every man for himself" attitude. If everyone works as a team, your workplace will flow harmoniously.

2. Task Lists. Don't get hung up on how much you have to do today. If you start out your day dreading your ever-growing task list, you are preparing yourself for a bad day. Your mind will go where it has been mentally dressed to go. You can do this, just jump in. When faced with a multitude of tasks, organize your task list in order of urgency. Then start from the top.

• Do one thing at a time, giving each individual task your full attention as it arises. Just do the next thing, and then the next thing, until your list is complete.

• If  your job allows for other tasks arise during your day, drop them into your task list in the appropriate spot in accordance with it's importance, or deadline. You are only human, and can only do so much in one day. Don't stress. 

3. Never stop appreciating your job. If you take what you have for granted you are bound to loose it, or loose your love for it. It is important to love what you do. Perspective is a large part of this. Try to focus on all the things that you enjoy about your job. If you cannot find things to be grateful for at work, perhaps it is time to move on.

4. Connect with your coworkers on a deeper level. There may be some people in the office that you instantly "click" with, but an office full of "click-ie" people can quickly become a negative environment. Make an effort to really get to know the people in your office that fall outside of your "inner circle". Think inclusion not exclusion.

5. Be a leader. Even if you are not in a management roll, be a good role model and a leader.  True leaders do not ask to become leaders, their virtues and compassion naturally attract followers.

The Perils of Plans & Our Attachment to Them

It is easy for us to start carving out plans for how we hope our lives will play out. In itself making plans is not necessarily a bad thing. Problems arise because of the way we tend to interact with our plans, with attachment, as if nothing can derail them.

It is impossible to predict future events with one hundred percent accuracy, even short term. We can make an educated guess about what will happen in the next five minutes, but still nothing is set in stone. There are always unknown variables, chances for instantaneous change due to karmic actions occurring in every moment. 

This is why living in the present moment is more valuable than many people realize. We tend to "fear" what is unknown to us, thus planning out and predicting the future brings us comfort. When we predict future events accurately our egos are inflated, and we are normally very happy (assuming we were predicitng something positive). 

Our happiness largely depends on our adaptability in  handling situations where we are faced with the unforeseen - going with the flow.

Think about a time when your carefully laid out plan did not go how you had hoped. How did you feel? Were you filled with disappoint and frustration or did you greet the new circumstances with open arms, rolling with the punches? 

"Peace comes from within." It is likely you have heard or read this quote if not, than perhaps something very similar has crept though your mind at one time or another.

When we are attached to an idea of how we think something should be or how a situation should play out, we are setting out minds up for failure. 

It is alright to make plans. It is very difficult to live in this world without making plans. In order for us to get to work on time, pay bills, purchase a home, or prepare for retirement, it is necessary to make soft plans. Key word in that sentence - soft. 

The best way we can prepare for an uncertain future is to create reasonable plans, knowing things may not move in the direction we think they will, without being attached to our plans.

We must pay attention to what is happening right now. With an open heart and a clear mind we are able to meet situations as they arise, leaving us better equipped to modify our plans in accordance with the reality of the present moment. Being malleable is key. 

In a raging flood a stone is tossed about wildly in the river, but the fish flows smoothly with the current. We must be fish, gracefully moving with the stream, not rocks jostled about roughly at the mercy of our environment. 

Learning to Walk (the Path)

My Buddhist journey began with some of the Buddha's very basic teachings. Poking Around the internet, eagerly seeking new information, a weary traveler searching for water in an endless spiritual desert, finally I stumbled across an oasis, the Four Noble Truths and the Eightfold Path.

I must admit, at first, the Four Noble Truths sounded like cryptic nonsense, luckily the Eightfold Path seemed extremely logical to me. Drawn in by its promises, I was quickly engulfed by an unquenchable thirst for this knowledge.

One of the things I, as a "young" student of Buddhism, found joy in was the simplicity of the Buddha's ancient instructions. They are clearly laid out, often numbered, and still very valid in the modern world. 

We are in a blessed age. The internet allows us the opportunity to seek out knowledge about any topic we can imagine. The Buddha's teachings have changed my life, but I can't help but wonder what my life might have been if I had been born in another time or place, one without internet. Would I have had the good fortune of finding this enlightened wisdom?

I am beyond grateful for this discovery, grateful for the changes walking down this path has brought to my life. Prior to this fortunate discovery, although I did not know it, my life was heading in the wrong direction, lost in the woods without a compass on a cloudy night. 

The Eightfold Path pointed me in the direction of the path, but taking the Five Basic Precepts provided me with the guiding light that would illuminate my journey.

Depending on who you ask, the number of precepts varies. Five, eight, ten, sometimes more, but it does seem as if most people are in agreence on the first five basic precepts for lay practitioners (householders, practicing the Buddha's teachings while living out in the modern world).

If my circumstances were different, and I were not chained to the world, perhaps I would venture into a monastic life and take on more precepts. As a person of the world, holding the first five precepts has been truly life changing. 

Although these precepts are now stored in my "mental hard drive", keeping them scribbled near by in a small, hard bound, notebook brings me an unusual amount of comfort. 

They read:

• Abstain from harming living beings.
• Abstain from taking what is not freely given.
• Abstain from sexual misconduct. 
• Abstain from lying. (Wrong speech)
• Abstain from substances and situations that cloud the mind.

All simple enough, but really dedicating myself to adherence of these guidelines has transformed my life in ways that my previous self never could have imagined. 

I am so grateful to have found this path. All I can do now is keep walking. There is no way of knowing where this new road may take me, but it feels as if I am finally moving in a positive direction. 

Aspirations of Perfect Speech

I've always been a talker. I have the ability to produce something to say about almost anything and everything. This is not necessarily a good thing.

In Buddhism there is a very important concept called "right speech". It sounds simple, but right speech is not just saying the correct thing at the most ideal time. The concept runs a bit deeper than that.

I prefer the term "perfect speech". In order to have right, or perfect, speech it is necessary to speak with restraint, only when it is profitable, with truth, and wisdom, at the appropriate time. 

Perfect speech is, purposeful, well supported, clear and effective. It is not idle chatter,  second hand information, or gossip. 

Over and over again, there is a quote that I have come across on the internet regarding perfect speech. It reads like a checklist in my mind.

• Is it true? 
• Is it helpful?
• Is it kind? 
• Is it necessary?
• Is it the right time?

At first, I would catch most of my imperfect speech after it had slipped from my lips. Recognizing something is wrong is the first step to correcting a problem.

Persevering through these early mistakes has lead me to where I am today. Still far from perfect, but spending much more time listening quietly. 

Although recognizing when I am about to use imperfect speech is getting easier, it feels as if I may be working on perfecting this concept for the rest of my life. 

Two years ago feels like yesterday. I remember drawing reminders on the backs of my hands, desperately trying to remember a simple concept, "Think before I speak. Go over the checklist. Do I really need to say that?"

Quickly I realized that, in a pinch, sometimes it's better just to say nothing at all, especially in moments of frustration. Maybe I knew it all along, but ego can easily obstruct this little truth.

The more I learn about these teachings the more I realize their truths and similarities. 

It's funny. These truths are so obvious, but still manage to remain hidden, as if the answers were here all along, always right in front of me.

This gradual awakening is like standing in the middle of foggy meadow filled with beautiful  flowers. We carelessly stumble around, clumsily trampling the beauty we are unaware is all around us.

Studying the Dharma (or truth) is like a cool breeze, gradually clearing the fog from our minds. The deeper we dive and the more we practice, the easier it becomes to see the beauty that was never far away. 

I don't know if I will ever have perfect speech, but it is something that I will keep striving for. If I ever do get there, it would mean I have lost beginner's mind, which would be another problem all together.

Life in a Hurry

Life in a Hurry 

I lived my life in such a hurry. 

That it became almost impossible to slowdown. 

Losing myself in the busyness, 

and forgetting who I am. 

Muscle memory taking over. 

Living my life in auto pilot

while life passes me by. 

Never fully present, 

always thinking about the next thing.

That's my life in a hurry.

She, He, & The Spider

She and He were gliding down the sidewalk. Ice cream in hand, fresh Texas night air, sending tingles up her neck. So delightful. Summer had always been her favorite season.

He stood tall, and tight. The seriousness of his stance could only be offset by the warmth of his smile. What a smile. He smiled with his eyes; eyes you could get lost in if you were not careful.

Side by side, under the large, stone, awning they wandered, peacefully. The night was perfect. Perfect as every moment. But moments are momentary.

Suddenly the peace was broken. She gasped, and turned around, frowning, as she held out her popsicle stick.

It was as if he were peering right through the melting dessert between them. She wasn't sure if he had seen the spider violating the end of her evening ice cream indulgence.

"It's a spider" she pouted. From the look on his faces she was unclear if he was waiting for her to continue, or just wondering what the problem was. "I might have eaten it" she continued.

"It wouldn't have been your fault" he grinned, but she felt otherwise.

If she had been less aware, off in a day dream, not paying attention, she would have eaten the spider, and it would have been her fault.

She smiled and, gently, shook the spider off to the side of the walkway. Her eyes darted side to side, wildly, searching for the nearest garbage can.

Both smiling, together, they turned back in the direction they had come from.

She never had to touch a door handle or knob while he was around. It was a small gesture that revealed a lot more than the couple would reveal about themselves verbally.

It felt good, sitting in the passenger seat beside him. As the car pointed back in the direction of home, she was grateful. Life is so fleeting, always winding, full of ups and downs, but she felt fortunate.

"What a weekend."

Cat Person

I've heard people say "cats are selfish, lazy, cold, and unloving. Cats are hardly even pets." Occasionally I even get comments like "Cats? Who could possibly love that?" and "What kind of person likes cats."

Dogs are "man's best friend". Dog people are often described as "loyal, loving, fun." Which may be true, but who says cat people can’t be that way too?

Nothing is forever. In the earliest days I can remember, I always wanted a dog. I have had two dogs in my life, and I loved both of them. They were good dogs, and there are days when I feel like I need to rush out and get a dog.

It wouldn’t be fair -getting a dog. We are very busy, always on the move. Dogs take time, we don’t have time right now. Maybe when we retire, then we would have time – but that’s a LONG ways away. No time soon.

I am happy with our cat. Rini is a short, round, grey and tan, ball of fluff. Light green eyes, and a questioning face. She was the runt of the litter, so she is small in stature with delicate legs and paws. (A sharp contrast to her thick trunk.)

Rini has personality to spare.  She doesn’t need me, but she sure loves it when I let her sit in my lap while I am working. Sometimes Rini gets so relaxed that she will drool all over my lap like Cujo.

She is an odd ball… oh, did I mention that Rini doesn’t have a tail? More like a backwards facing, hooked, nub. Now it seems like cats with tails are strange. They don’t even walk the same. Rini walks more like a raccoon than a cat – rolling back and forth, butt leading the wobble.

“Me?” I’m a cat person. . .  I’m loyal, loving, fun, and although I’d rather have a cat living with me, I could play fetch and snuggle a puppy all day.

I’m sure there are some “crazy cat ladies out there” but most of us are great. I don’t mind that my cat doesn’t come to me unless it wants something – most of the time she wants to cuddle.

Other times she cries to go outside, and begs for me to let her do something that I told her she couldn’t do. (Ok, maybe I am a little bit of a crazy cat lady –I do talk to my cat.)

Although she doesn’t understand the words, the tone of my voice is not lost on her. She argues (I rather think of her as arguing than whining, it makes her fussing more amusing to me.)

I don’t need to control Rini, or for her to love me, although she may, I am just happy I get to hang out with her.

I think cat people are confident, independent, and contemplating. They can hold back, or release everything in a ball of fury, but they are loyal friends, with big hearts, and deep emotions.

Not a bad person to have around, if you ask me.

 

 

Listening to My Body

My body is a friend.
It is the place that all the pieces of me reside.
Not me, but a place, a home that I must care for and maintain.
What an amazing gift a human body is.
If I take the time to listen, it speaks to me.
My body doesn't ask for much - just healthy, organic foods, exercise and rest.
It asks for so very little, and in return offers me a place to live a long and comfortable life.
How lovely!

Sometimes the mind and body do not seem to see eye to eye.
Work and worldly issues hinder my ability to hear the body's requests.
What a shame.

The downward spiral, slipping and falling.
Putting off exercise and rest.
"There is too much else to do."
Priorities waiver, but the nagging remains in the back of my head. . .

"Lets go for a run!"
"Stop staying up all night!"
"Really, ANOTHER cup of coffee?!"
"Yoga is good foe body and mind."
"Stop and relax - please?"

Eventually I give in.
Back on the right track, but I can't help but wonder how I got lost in the first place. 

Local Buddhist Center

Photo by Revolution Photos

For a long time I have been suppressing a longing to seek out other Dharma followers. The reason is hard to explain, but I am sure it is tied to my negative history with organized "Christian" religion. I have never been a fan of being told how to act or think.

Releasing memories, living in the now and forgetting the past. That is what this journey is about. What am I really afraid of? I know I am serious about this journey. Right?

Do I think I am going to be sucked into a deep dark cult? No - not really. I honestly do not believe that sort of thing happens to strong minded people. I know that I can walk out if I find anything that is intolerable.

Is it a fear of being judged? I do not typically think of myself as the type of person who worries over what others think of me, but this question keeps arising.

Perhaps I am afraid that I will like what the experience, or maybe I will find displeasure within the Zendo. What if... what if.... all the "what ifs" are irrelevant. 

Here I stand, one foot inside and the other dragging behind, ready to run. "What are you running from?" I ask myself, but there is no answer.

In this moment I am undecided, and tomorrow is not to be worried over. So, tomorrow the question will be, which path will I take? 

Failure

I failed miserably today.

Got wrapped up in worries over how to fix a problem that was out of my hands.

Today I lost my cool. Became overwhelmed and frustrated.

Setbacks. Anxious over silly worldly matters. Desire for a solution that eluded me.

Lost. How do I stay in this moment, and hold a job in the world?

Is it really possible to live today with no concern over tomorrow? Is it possible that I could do such a thing?

Flawed.  I am deeply flawed, worrying. . . Lost.

Material items, worldly joys, and sorrows are all illusions. Why cling to them?

I know this only causes pain. Why can't I just let it all go?

It is all temporary. Why grasp it?

Logic is here now, but where was it earlier?

I failed today, but maybe realizing that I failed is actually a small victory. 

The Who and Now

I have been attempting to focus my mind in this present moment. 

 

Photo by David Rivera

On occasion I manage to hone in on this experience, where I have no past and no worries over the future.  These moments are so precious, but each time I realize that I have attained this state it instantly vanishes. 

I am unable to contain the minor frustration as this goal floats just outside my grasp. Each time I reach for it, grasp at it, desire it, it vanishes. What is "it"?

I am nobody, and that is when I am the happiest. 

We all want to be somebody - proud of where we came from, and the events that have shaped us into who we have become.

Everyone has a story, heritage to be proud of, and battles won. Identities we cling to.

We are all so desperate to hold onto these objects that we identify with. They make us who we are, but these moments are gone. Irrelevant.  Delusions.  Dreams. 

We cannot touch these past encounters. What benefit does recalling them actually serve? 

Sometimes I feel as if people who wake up from head injuries with no recollection of who they were previously are truly blessed.  

Such a huge task lies in front of me. Not only must I forget my past, but I also need to disregard the moments that might occur in my future. 

What is this? Is it the notion of "no self" or is it "living in the present"? Maybe these two things are actually one. 

Enlightenment is one thing, built of many things that actually have no separation.

Indescribable - words never do justice to the things I see and feel. Language has so many limitations. 

Words are tools, not toys,  but so often we use them carelessly. 

I talk too much. Words are nothing. A human invention. They can be addictive, and I am hooked. 

Sometimes it feels as if I am a lost cause, only realizing that my words lack value in reflection.   

Progress is the realization of a problem where once no knowledge was present. There was a time when I did not grasp my senselessness. Pride and ego often blind us to our imperfections. 

Gradually things are getting better, but perfection still seems so far away. What knots must I unravel to alleviate this affliction? What is the root cause?

More reflection is needed.

Anatta - The River

Anatta - refers to the notion of "not-self" or the illusion of "self" sometimes refereed to as ego. 


I am a river, not the person I was yesterday. Always changing. The water is different, quickly flowing downstream. Strong currents moving pebbles and debris downstream as well. The banks of me are changing, though at a slower pace. There is not one part of me that is fixed. Even the large rock and boulders, that the rest is stacked upon, will weather down and one day drift away.

Nothing within is fixed, so there cannot be a "me" or "I".




Photo By David Rivera - Revolution Photos TX

Fragile

It hardly seemed real. Seeing the full name of someone who had once been very close to me displayed next to the word obituary on the computer screen. Certainly I must be confused.

It's common for people to see faces in inanimate objects where none actually exists. We are automatically programmed to seek out familiarities in situations that or foreign to us. Surely, I must be mistaken.

Thinking back. Did I ever really hear that middle name? The age? It could be a coincidence. Jumping to conclusions. My mind playing tricks on me.

Fingers, frantically strumming, desperately seeking to disprove answers that my hart already had. In dental, trying to lift the rock that had become lodged, heavy in my stomach.

Why? There it was. The confirmation on my screen. Undeniable proof of the horrid injustice.

He was not even thirty years old, and always a wonderful, caring person. A bright light in the world. Why?

Such things hardly seem fair, but then again they aren't. This world is not a fair place, and life is fragile. Death lurks around every corner as we often take this life for granted.

I don't want to look at this truth in front of me, but it is almost impossible to look away. This is real, and pretending otherwise is not helpful.

I still remember the day, the beginning of the end was it 6. . . 7 years ago? A scary situation, though at the time nobody had yet realize the chain of events that had suddenly been put into motion. 

Thanksgiving day at my grandparents house. My phone rings. I cannot recall the conversation, but I remember being called to the hospital.

There had been a car accident. Someone had speed carelessly through a red light. The domino effect, that would take a while to be come apparent. 

Sitting in the ER waiting room. I still remember his calm and cool posture. Slouched back in the plastic waiting room seat, green Converse shoe popping out of the white and blue hospital gown over a crossed knee.  "Look, I got blood on my favorite shoes!" He said it with a huge smile. 

He always had a way of lighting the mood with his infectious smile.  Why should this moment be any different. 

Months down the road, I remember him describing strange events where he would loose time. These instances would often occur during his morning showers. He would "wake up" or "snap out of it" and the water in the shower would have run cold. 

We decided these must have been big gaps, since our thirty gallon water heater was sufficient for a fairly long shower.

Seizures. Eventually these events were named. The accident had caused much more damage than was originally discovered. Lasting damage, permanent, and eventually the end.

Last one to know, the news now over a year old, but still a shock to me. Processing the information and letting it sink in.

This bright light, prematurely extinguished. Drawing the lesson that life is fragile. Further proof that we can never guarantee tomorrow. A valuable lesson, from an unfortunate tragedy.

My Sangha - The Tempermental Buddha

As I journey down this road less traveled, seeking the spiritual life, I venture into a place unknown by my friends and loved ones. Living in a Judeo-Christian nation, teachers and followers of the Buddha Dharma are a rarity. Living in a small Texas town, there are no Guru's or temples to visit for instruction.

I do not personally know any true "Buddhist practitioners" nor, to my knowledge, have I met any. Some might say that a solitary study of the Buddha Dharma is a hindrance, or possibly even a problem, but I do not see it that way.

The historical Buddha, Shakyamuni, is said to have reached enlightenment after a six year journey on his own, at the age of 35. It is my understanding that on the path to enlightenment Siddhartha learned and studied with religious seekers from a variety of religions, none of them "Buddhist."

Eventually, upon reaching enlightenment, Shakyamuni Buddha was able to share and explain the Dharma that he had learned to his companions and family, rapidly gathering a multitude of disciples.

Despite these difficulties, I am extremely grateful for the tools that I do have, though I still wish I had more free time. Living in modern American society, and having a full time job, leaves very little time for religious study and meditation.

I began my journey on the internet, reading on Buddhist websites and listening to free downloads of Dharma lectures. As my thirst for knowledge grew, so did my sources. A radio commercial for the local used book store, advertising twenty percent off already low prices, directed me to a new source of affordable study materials.

I now take great joy in, and look forward to, spending my spare moments deep in the study of these materials. I feel as if I have come a very long way since taking on my first five precepts. Since I have no traditional sangha to guide and assist me in my practice, I feel that it is my duty to hold myself to a very high moral standard. 

When a student who is involved in  a more traditional, communal, study of the Dharma teachings decides to commit themselves to living a life based on the Buddha's teachings - by taking refuge in the three jewels (Buddha, Dharma, & Sangha) and taking on the first five precepts - there is often a small ceremony, similar to a baptism, where a new "Buddhist name" is given. 

I pondered over taking a name for a while, not wanting to take this commitment lightly. One I felt as if I was ready, the name came easily, but still, I reflected over it for a while.

I don’t see anything wrong with my solitary studies. In fact, I believe this solitude has played an instrumental part in my development of an unbiased practice, forcing me to truly question and test out the subjects of my studies, allowing me to draw my own conclusions about the teachings. 

Lessons and sanghas come in many shapes and forms. I have heard, in sermons, that the Buddha said something to the effect of "anything that leads to enlightenment, take it as my Dharma." I am paraphrasing, but the message was clear to me. 

There is another quote hat I hold near to my heart - “People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.” - Dalai Lama XIV. 

As I hike along through the mountains of my Dharma journey it is apparent that my path is not well traveled. As I push forward, cutting away at the overgrown weeds in my own mind, I have no fear. This is my road, but I am not entirely alone. 

Someone very close to me, who is definitely not a Buddhist, has actually been a huge help in pushing me to pursue “putting my Dharma where my mouth is” with constant reminders like, “Don’t talk about it - be about it.”

This person’s paradoxical tendencies are always intriguing to me. A unique personality, layered with innate Buddha like wisdom, but this vessel simultaneously houses a very non-Buddha like temperament. A living embodiment of Yin and Yang - he is my sangha, and my guru. 

With joy, I chuckle to myself.  "In such an unlikely place. . . My Temperamental Buddha.”