This was my puberty. I was constantly sick and in pain. I was truly miserable. Most days I wanted to throw in the towel and give up on everything. My flame was burning low, but something inside kept me going.
Fortunately, as I entered high school, the illness began to clear up. There are people who suffer their entire lives with the debilitating symptoms of IBS. I was extremely fortunate. By the time I started tenth grade all of the symptoms that had plagued me though out junior high were gone.
A miracle!
In the beginning I spent a lot of time worrying that my ailment would return but eventually, after being symptom free for an extended amount of time, the fear began to dissolve. Now seemingly invincible, I could eat anything I wanted without the slightest fear of repercussions.
I was one hundred percent symptom free for just under ten years. That silly, smiling, girl was back.
The doctors were wrong. . . I. . . was. . . cured. . .
Unfortunately, my assumptions were incorrect.
Over the past 4 years I have suffered numerous attacks. At first the symptoms were infrequent, only one or two sick days in the first year and a half of their return. I was grateful.
Before I had allowed the disease to consume my entire life. (It was hard to not to, I could barley function.) This time the attacks were much less disruptive, allowing me to continue my life outside of being sick.
As the illness crept back into my life, I was determined not to allow it to drag me back into the darkness. I truly believe my Dharma practice has been the key to unlocking my ability to stay positive though this suffering.
What is different this time around?
1. Mindfulness. I have been spending a LOT more time lately "just being" focusing the mind on now, and acknowledging all of the sensations as they are within me. The goal is not to resist or follow them. Needless to say some days are still more successful than others.
Before starting a mindfulness practice I was unable to notice many subtle movements within my physical body. Now more aware of "new" sensations, I am able to taking mental notes of small symptoms that would have previously gone unnoticed.
2. Took learning into my own hands. I studied food, nutrition, and digestion. The good, the bad, the amazing, and the ugly. Learning about how the human digestive tract works to fuel our bodies with nutrition has changed my world in ways I can not even begin to explain.Understanding digestion has taught me what to look for in my body, and it has become much easier to spot symptoms more effectively. Unlike before, this time around, I was able to have a very productive and knowledgeable conversation with my doctor. I victoriously headed for home, head high, armed with solid information about what was happening in my body and a plan that would have my IBS on the run.
3. Self compassion. In round one with IBS, my preteen solution had been to power through it. Grin and bear it. I was tough, hard. I learned to push and fight against my body, bending it to my will. (Or at least that is how I tried to think of myself.)
Although I started a compassion practice a few years ago, I have never been one to have compassion for myself. Even now, self compassion is something that I must work to be mindful of. My aching gut and tired body were the best place for me to start practicing self compassion, right where I needed it the most.
Maybe all these things helped me to battle with this stomach beast, or maybe the sickness helped me to focus more inward on these values. I am not sure, it is still something that I am reflecting on. I do know that, this time around, I am not going to let IBS get me down.
