A Life with Mirrors

It took me forty five minutes to get dressed today. Forty five minutes just to put my clothes on, not including the time I spent completing the rest of my morning ritual.

Not too long ago I could be out the door, teeth brushed, hair done, makeup, the whole process completed in twenty minutes. 

Outfit after outfit, nothing fit the way I wanted it to. Busted zippers, shirts creeping up above the mid line, cursing the mirror, jumping up and down desperately trying to work my ass into my skinny jeans. There's supposed to be a Buddha in that mirror, but where she was this morning, I could not say.

Less than two years ago I landed my dream job and immediately started building an appropriate wardrobe. Unfortunately, it feels like everything I purchased over the last year and a half has shrunk. 

Impermanence.

Twenty-fourteen, so far, seems to be a great year filled with growth, spiritual growth, personal growth, career growth, ass growth. I could do without the last one, but it is what it is.

Something about mirrors. 

They have always been a fixture in my life, although laity the large mirror in our master bathroom has become a source of frustration.

Reflection is always helpful. Most of us have been told at least a time or two to turn our attention inward. But mirrors don't reflect what's really inside. 

I was an awkward child - pale white skin and jet black hair. In elementary school I was often teased, and called names. Children can be so cruel. 

Little me was soft and sweet, but the constant viciousness of my peers eventually rubbed that tenderness away. 

Looking at that girl in the old cassette tapes, boxes spread across the dining room table, I barley recognize her, yet somehow, that was me. Just a baby stuffed into a lacy, red and white dress. . . or a girl grinning from ear to ear, building Lego worlds with the, dark haired, young boy in front of her.

How can that be us, the inner voice whispers.

Puberty really kicked in over the summer between seventh and eighth grade. With my new hormones came many new emotions, along with boobs, makeup, and a new, unimproved, attitude.

What a shame.

When I was younger, because I had a habit of looking deeply into every mirror I passed, my mother would make comments, concerned about my vanity.  I never felt the need to correct her, since her assumption seemed to imply the confidence that I was trying to portray to the world.

I reflect back on that, stick thin, teenager, desperately trying find her own identity.  It can feel impossible when the entire world is demanding you to conform to its tragically modern ways. 

These memories bring me mixed emotions. She was a bitch on the outside, but  deep down she was putting up walls of protection. 

She could stand transfixed in the mirror for hours, applying layers of makeup. Now determined not to be picked on, even if it meant becoming the bully herself. When did this unfortunate transformation happen?

That foolish girl, working so hard to be beautiful on the outside, so distracted. She didn't even notice how ugly her insides had already become. She was loosing herself. 

I feel the urge to hug that girl. I want to tell her it will all be alright and then somehow shake her out of her foolishness. What a nightmare. Thank goodness I woke up.

 

In more recent days, I care much less about what other people think of me, but I still find myself critiquing in the mirror. It's funny. I don't think I care what other people think, but I don't want to just "let it all go" either. 

Where are my tight tummy and well defined biceps hiding? Are they still in there somewhere, or have hours of time at the gym been wasted? At this moment I am leaning closer to my second answer. 

I'll really be kissing that "yoga butt" goodbye if I don't change something soon. 

Aging is inevitable. Impermanence is a very central Buddhist teaching. I guess I need to spend more time reflecting on this, but still I am not ready to give up my fitness. 

This body is the only on I have, and we're going to be together till the end, and who knows when that will be. Me and my body might as well be good friends and if I get to choose or have any influence, I'd rather it not be falling apart in old age. 

Who we really are cannot be found in the mirror. I know that now. It is all superficial and the mirror is just a tool, although on some days it might be a tool that we could be happier without. 

In the mean time, since we are not going renovate the master bathroom in our new home anytime soon,  the new me and I are going to work on getting better acquainted.

With a little humor, and a fair amount self compassion, I think everything is going to be just fine. I'm not quite thirty yet, and if I'm lucky, I've still got a long way to go. 

Here's to getting older, and to all the Dharma gates that aging can inevitably bring our way.

Aha! A Poem! Kyttnyoga.blogspot.com

Dark Clouds

I love him so much. He gets me in ways that no-one else can, and yet he still doesn't get me. . . I don't even get me sometimes.
How foolish we are, expecting each other to understand deeply seeded emotions that we ourselves hardly know and recognize as our own.
Untangling Indra's net. . . Deeply reflecting.

We cannot shed light on one another without first pointing that light inward, where shadows and monsters lurk.
So dark. . . Emotional scars, twisting through the walls of our mind's like storm clouds blocking out the sun.
Bring the wind. . . Let it blow, hard, so that we may see clearly, obstructions cleared.

Amaya sat frozen, lost in the words on the page in front of her. So dark, and yet so true. She was in a dark place, but somehow she had never felt better. 

She, He, & The Spider

She and He were gliding down the sidewalk. Ice cream in hand, fresh Texas night air, sending tingles up her neck. So delightful. Summer had always been her favorite season.

He stood tall, and tight. The seriousness of his stance could only be offset by the warmth of his smile. What a smile. He smiled with his eyes; eyes you could get lost in if you were not careful.

Side by side, under the large, stone, awning they wandered, peacefully. The night was perfect. Perfect as every moment. But moments are momentary.

Suddenly the peace was broken. She gasped, and turned around, frowning, as she held out her popsicle stick.

It was as if he were peering right through the melting dessert between them. She wasn't sure if he had seen the spider violating the end of her evening ice cream indulgence.

"It's a spider" she pouted. From the look on his faces she was unclear if he was waiting for her to continue, or just wondering what the problem was. "I might have eaten it" she continued.

"It wouldn't have been your fault" he grinned, but she felt otherwise.

If she had been less aware, off in a day dream, not paying attention, she would have eaten the spider, and it would have been her fault.

She smiled and, gently, shook the spider off to the side of the walkway. Her eyes darted side to side, wildly, searching for the nearest garbage can.

Both smiling, together, they turned back in the direction they had come from.

She never had to touch a door handle or knob while he was around. It was a small gesture that revealed a lot more than the couple would reveal about themselves verbally.

It felt good, sitting in the passenger seat beside him. As the car pointed back in the direction of home, she was grateful. Life is so fleeting, always winding, full of ups and downs, but she felt fortunate.

"What a weekend."

Anatta - The River

Anatta - refers to the notion of "not-self" or the illusion of "self" sometimes refereed to as ego. 


I am a river, not the person I was yesterday. Always changing. The water is different, quickly flowing downstream. Strong currents moving pebbles and debris downstream as well. The banks of me are changing, though at a slower pace. There is not one part of me that is fixed. Even the large rock and boulders, that the rest is stacked upon, will weather down and one day drift away.

Nothing within is fixed, so there cannot be a "me" or "I".




Photo By David Rivera - Revolution Photos TX

Free thinking

I have always been a learner and a thinker, searching for knowledge, spending countless hours of my childhood with my nose buried in an encyclopedia. 

"Little Me" - the young me, in my earliest years, just out of diapers - loved the word "why". I asked this question constantly, even when being told what to do by my mother and other adults.

This was not a term intended to imply disrespect, although it was often taken that way. I would have always been happy to comply with the requests of my elders, but it has never been in my nature to follow blindly. 

Although the desire to know the meaning behind actions caused me a great deal of trouble growing up, this inquisitive nature has served me well as an adult. 

I still prefer to make decisions and choices with as much information as possible, because even a very small piece of information can sometimes completely change the required that is required.

At my very heart, "Now Me" is not a great deal changed from who Little Me was. Yes, I have evolved and grown in many ways, but when you strip away the illusions that  modern American society provided as I grew up, I am still an eager mind seeking growth and knowledge.

Now Me is still asking Little Me's favorite question - "Why?"

Journey into Buddhism

Turning to Buddhism, for me, has been a very natural transition. As facts started to present themselves to me, through research and digging, I have begun to feel at home. The teachings correspond with beliefs that have been deep within me in my earliest stages of life.

Embarking down on this path has been  natural to me, as if I am called into it, or born into it. Finding my way home, and becoming aware of my true self. 

Studying the Buddha's teachings has lead me to truly examined myself, on a very deep personal level. In the cultivation of this knowledge I have proceeded in traveling down the path in the direction of an awakening.

This is not at all to say that I have been "fully awakened" but rather my eyes are in the process of being opened. Realizations have arisen in me, and I am aware that, that for along time, I was a in incomplete human being - shallow and distracted by illusions.

I never thought that I would ever become a "religious" person, even though I grew up attending regular church services. I was never able to think theistically. As a young person, I tried for years to get behind the all knowing, and punishing being that commanded obedience, for fear of the eternal  damnation that was reserved for the nonbelievers.

Even at a young age, I remember questioning the things that we were told in church, and feeling as if there was something wrong with me due to my inability to blindly follow what could not be proven to my young mind.
Eventually, in my teenage years, finding the act tiresome, I gave up the façade, much to my mothers dismay. My lack of religion and openness about the, unjustified, bitterness that I had for the Christian church put an immense strain on my relationship with my mother, who expected me to continue attending regular services.

I was stupid, and prideful. A teenage rebelling, but my dislike for church was not just something I used to irritate my mother. Deep down, everything about church made me uncomfortable.


Mind you that this is, in no way, a reflection of my current feelings about the church or Christianity. Through my own journey, into Buddhist teachings, I have learned a great respect, and even a fondness for true followers of Christ.

These teachings are still not for me, but they do not have to be. There are many paths to salvation, and I do not believe that any one path is better than any other. We are blessed with a planet filled with many cultures and religions, and each person's own religion is their own salvation.

Any religion that teaches the values of honesty, love, compassion, and  kindness is a benefit to the world and its people.The Dali Lama, when asked about his own religion, does not claim to be a Buddhist. Instead he has been quoted as saying, "my religion is kindness."

This journey is endless, as I am always growing, and learning. Following the path, picking up lessons, like stones, along the way.

Once filed with a deep darkness, and hatred, I am now transcending my old ways. That void - an enormous, dark, hole - is now gone, and I have filled it with the one and only thing that could ever be big enough to fill such a space - love.

AcroYoga Still Makes Me Smile

 

It is very important to take time out of our busy lives to do the things that make us smile... and AcroYoga still makes me smile. I need  to make more time to do this, because it brings me true joy.

 

 

 

 

 

Just for fun - my latest Acro video...unfortunately, I have not been practicing, so I am VERY shaky, but the scenery was perfect, and my old Acro partner, Tyrone Chuang, just happened to be present, so we went for it.

Change the World

I don't know if I can change the world, but I feel like if there is the possibility that something that I could do might make things just a tiny bit better for even ONE person its worth a try.

The internet is an AMAZING tool. With only a few keystrokes, you can reach the WORLD. This tool is a gift that is often misused because we fail to see and appreciate its full potential.

Twenty-six percent of consumers are digital omnivores (own a laptop, smartphone and  tablet).
 It is estimated that 80% of people have access to the internet either at work or at home, meaning that only 20% percent of the entire United States' population does not have regular internet access.  This is an AMAZING fact. We have been granted an amazing gift!

There are many different reasons that people may decide to log on.The internet can be used to increase productivity, cultivate knowledge, communicate, or it may be used for sheer entertainment.  

 I was fortunate enough to be exposed to computers from a young age.  My grandfather was an architect and, as far back as my memory reaches, my grandparents always had a computer in their home. I, fondly, remember the days of DOSS,and the emergence of the groundbreaking Windows OS.  
When I was younger my grandparents bought me lots of computer games, but all of the games, that I can remember, had educational value. I also remember spending hours upon hours "painting" in M.S. Paintbrush, and allowing my imagination to run wild.

Today, the video games that children play do not seem to have nearly as much educational value. I believe them be addicting, especially for young minds, and many experts agree that violent video games such as Halo and Grand Theft Auto carry the potential to adversely effect learning and behavior.

Only in my most recent adult years, am I truly beginning to understand the full potential of the internet, and more specifically social media.

It is estimated that more than half of the worlds population uses social media, and 1.11 billion people are currently signed up to use Facebook. Twitter currently has 554,750,000 users. As of January 2013, LinkedIn reached 200 million members, Pinterestis only 3 years old and already has 48.7 million users.

Imagine the reach one person could have if they utilize ALL of these, and other various FREE social networking giants.

What if ONE person was to REALLY uses all of these sites to deploy positive messages to the world?

How many people could that one person reach? What if everybody that that first person reached decided to reach out to their own networks, and the chain continued down the line, reaching more and more people?

I don't know if I can change the world, but if something I share can make ONE person's life just a LITTLE bit better, than all of my time and social media posts are more than worth it.


I have started an experiment - an event on Facebook. On it I have shared the one of the most AMAZING passages that I have EVER found on the internet. I am hoping that my "Facebook friends" will share it with their friends, and by the end of the year, I will be able to see how far this event has spread.

The event page is called "Be The Change We Wish To See In The World." 

I don't know how many people I will be able to reach with this event page. I may not reach many people, but ever single person counts and everybody I reach is equally important.

It takes lots of people to change the world... but LOTS of people ARE on the internet. Please share.

 

Sitting at the Edge of My Mat

Sitting on my ankles at the edge of my mat. I breathe in, drawing a slow, controlled, breath through my nose. Exhale. My breath continues, steadily, bringing life to my muscles with my movements.

I move into Balasana, bringing my shoulders down towards floor. In this posture I humbly bow down, promising to give respect my body throughout my practice.

The next inhalation carries me to my knees. Before I am able to form a thought, I am arched backwards into Ustrasana, lifting blissfully, grateful for the multiple openings in my body. This pose is so liberating, that I continue enjoying it for several breaths, stretching deeper, and deeper.

Eventually, I feel the urge to continue further down to the floor towards Kapotāsana, a pose I have been working towards for a quite a while. Lately I have been coming very close and can see undeniable proof that, with reasonable effort, anything can be accomplished. Today, the Pigeon is my friend. Almost there, I can grasp my toes with the tips of my fingers. I stay reaching, respectively, towards this boundary, smiling because I know this one will be mine soon

.

I make my way out, stopping to revisit Ustrasana on my way into Cat and Cow. Flexing up and down, relaxing and releasing, with my breath.

As I sink through Kumbhakasana, flowing into Chaturanga Dandasana, I realize the Sanskrit pose names are dancing along in my head, mirroring my movements, replacing all other thoughts. 

I hold myself just inches off the floor, for a breath or two, before finally lifting into Downward Facing Dog, rolling over my toes on the way into the posture. Downward Dog, or Adho Mukha Svanasana, still comes to mind in plain English. It always feels so welcoming, like a friend saying, "Hello, welcome home. Its good to see you!" I move through several variations, stretching my legs, chest, and shoulders, before jumping my legs up for a forward fold. 

I squish my ear-buds firmly into my ears so that they don't fall out during the next sequence. The calm, acoustic, harmony helps to keep the tempo of my breath.

I close my eyes, lost both in music and in breath, allowing myself to plunge further into Uttanasana, before continuing on with several Sun Salutations.

For the next hour I find myself lost in a twisting, winding, free flowing, dance, moving in complete relaxation from one posture to the next.  

Before I know it, I am sinking from Halasana  into Savasana, listening to the last minutes of a captivating melody. A woman is singing, her voice radiant  in a foreign tongue, and though I do not understand her words, my body is singing right along with her, joyfully. 

Making Real Changes

Taking my yoga practice "off the mat" has brought many positive changes into my life. One of the strongest lessons I have learned has to do with change. Of all the things you will find in life, the only thing that is, truly, guaranteed is change. 

Change is constant, so expect, and welcome it. The past is gone, so reflect on the past as if there is something to learn from it, knowing you can never return there. The future is beyond our control, but dreams and goals are good for the soul. Now might be all we have, so make it count, enjoy it. Live in this moment, for this moment. 

Making substantial changes in ones life is a gradual process which can only be achieved through true desire, drive, and dedication.

If a person doesn't truly care about changing, and they are not willing to work towards the goal of evolution, then real change becomes impossible.

Change is something that has to cone from within, and it has to be done for ones self. Change is not something that can be forced by a second party. So if you have any expectations or desires about changing anyone but yourself, drop them. Its a futile up hill battle with the odds stacked high against you.

Learning to talk the talk is easy for most, but learning to walk the walk is something that many people struggle with.

Unfortunately, I know so many people out there who are all talk. Seeing this often, it was easy for me to decided that I had no desire to be that way.

I started by reflecting on myself. Every time a thought would cross my mind that went against the teachings I was studying I would consciously stop, look at myself, and ask "why is it that I feel this way?"

When another party and was involved in the situation I tried to put myself into that person shoes and remind myself that didn't know what the persons motives were and it wasn't my place make assumptions.

I also am learning to focus on meaningful conversation - Not speaking unless what I have to say is of some benefit to the situation. Sometimes this is still difficult for me. I have to consciously tell myself stop and think before I speak, and then ask myself, "is there any point to releasing this information.

Day by day and one step at a time, these changes are getting easier. I am happy in the here and now, but I am looking forward to the future, and seeing where my evolution will take me.

A Journey Into Healthy Eating

Switching from junk food to an all natural and organic diet was not something that happened overnight. It was definitely something that happened gradually.

The change began with a vegetarian diet that I started in order to shed my winter weight before my 23rd birthday in the spring. It was only supposed to be for a few months, but on my birthday I made a discovery that would change the way I look at food forever.  

My birthday party was full of barbecue, ribs, burgers, and hot dogs. I had been looking forward to sinking my teeth into some juicy, red meat the entire time I was going without, but as I sunk my teeth into that first, long anticipated, juicy, bite, I quickly realized that it was not good as I remembered. Not only was the meat not as tasty as I had hoped, but almost instantly I felt sluggish, and weighed down. I never felt that after eating fruits and veggies. So went back onto the the all vegetarian diet and continued on it for one more year.

Going vegetarian forced me to rethink my eating habits.  There were less choices at first. It was no longer easy to hit up the fast food drive through and get a deep fried chicken sandwich on the way to work.

In no time I stopped going to drive troughs all together. Eventually I decided to add meat back into my diet, on occasion, in small servings. I also cut back largely on the amount of dairy products I was consuming. 

You know how on your birthday, people like to ask you, "Do you feel any older?" My twenty fifth birthday, or is my grandmother put it, "turning a quarter of a century old,"  was the first birthday in my life where I actually felt like the most genuine response to that question was actually one hundred percent, "Yes."

Maybe, it was the realization that I was only five years shy of thirty, realizing it seemed that only yesterday that I had turned twenty. Where did I hope to be by the time I was thirty? Maybe I felt as if I hadn't accomplished enough in most recent years, or that I had stopped moving  forward. Life is all about progression, and evolution. Perhaps I was behind?

This past year I have found many things, and made many changes. I set out on a quest for knowledge, driven by the desire for Sauca (purity) I focused my energy on basic yoga teachings, fitness, and nutrition. I scooped up every fitness magazine I could get my hands on, read online forums, and began watching every food documentary that I could find on Netflix. 

The first documentary to really shake my perception was Fat Sick and Nearly Dead. I felt like I had stumbled upon a gold mine of information. It all should have been so simple, but its easy to miss out on the way we are supposed to eat. Many of us are so sick, and we don't even realize that all we have to do is fix our diets, and we can become healthy again. 

I started to really think about over the counter vitamins. Most grocery stores have an entire isle dedicated to nutrition supplements these days, it didn't seem natural. Why so many pills? There was a time that people lived long and healthy lives, without over the counter help. Then the answer slapped me in the face. We, as modern people of the world, do not know how to eat properly. If somebody is eating right they should have no need to buy vitamins by the truckload at the super market

As I began to study the nutrients in specific foods, so that I could better stock my kitchen, I came across, yet another amazing documentary, Food Matters. Hippocrates, the founder of modern medicine, said "Let thy food be thy medicine, and thy medicine be thy food." I believe he would be appalled if he were here to see the way we utilize health care today. 

Many of the documentaries, and sites refrence Dr Max Gerson, who was able to cure almost every type of cancer, as well as many other chronic ailments and deseases in the 1940's using  an organic, unprocessed diet.He didn't use drugs, or radiation. He cured people WITH FOOD.

 It is illegal  to treat cancer in The United States using the Gerson Therapy, but his daughter, Charlotte Gerson, is still spreading the good word, and saving lives at the Gerson Health Center in Tijuana Mexico.

 Dr Gerson died in 1959, after completing his master work, A Cancer Therapy: Results of 50 cases, for the 2nd time. (The first time he completed the book, it mysteriously vanished.)

Click this link to watch The Gerson Miracle Documentary and find out more about Gerson's natural Miracle therapy.

With all my new found information, its hard to imagine going back to eating chemically engineered, gmo, super processed, Frankenstein foods. WOULD YOU EAT POISON JUST BECAUSE SOMEBODY TOLD YOU IT WAS SAFE? Do you?

I cant even rationalize paying for empty foods, that contain little to no nutrition. When did people forget, that we eat to nourish our bodies, not just fill our bellies? 

I hope to ease myself into a mostly raw vegetarian diet in the next few months, because the more I learn, the more I feel that it is the healthiest path, and if I really want my body to be a temple, then I should start to really treat it as one.

Sauca - keeping the temple clean. Is your body your temple?

My Journey into Yoga

My Introduction to Yoga

I only began doing yoga about three years ago. I wanted a "yoga booty," tight core, and open hips.  Though it was no spiritual quest, and I was not making an attempt at changing my life, there were many gradual changes, unknown to me, that began with that very first (sloppy) downward dog..

My first goal, splits and handstand, were high considering I was nowhere close to attaining either one of them, but "reach for the stars and even if you miss, you'll end up on the moon." Right?

Now, almost three years down the line, I still haven't completely mastered either technique, but I am getting pretty close. I learned that progress is not only measured by the skills one acquires, but the effort and progress that comes out of a dedicated practice. Also, different people advance at different rates, so using other people as a point of reference is not always helpful. .

Before beginning my yoga journey I never would've claimed to be fit. I wasn't even a healthy eater. Fast food dollar menus and I never made it a point to work out. The starvation diet was always easier then working out and eating healthy.

For most of my earlier yoga adventures I continued on that same path. I felt no need to change the way I was eating or the way I treated my body if I was becoming more flexible and getting skinnier and stronger. Eventually, that gave way to a new found respect for my body and it was no longer logical to be working so hard on my body only to ruin it with garbage food, and neglect. Finally my choices were starting to become healthier.

 (Side note - now that I work out, and eat healthy foods, not only am I fifteen pounds lighter, and a constant weight, I eat all day, every two hours, and never think about if what I eat is going to land on my butt or gut.)

Luckily for me, I have a few good yoga teacher friends, who are always very helpful anytime I have questions.

Eventually my questions lead to a conversation about yoga teacher training. I was surprised and encouraged upon learning how easy it is to become a certified yoga teacher. The idea of making a living doing something I love filled me with excitement. However, I realized, I was not yet quite ready to take on this task.

I still have a lot of class material to learn before I consider myself ready to teach other people. There are also some physical goals I still would like to reach, before I even think about starting teacher training. I am, actually thinking about doing some business classes in the meantime while I continue to prepare myself physically, and mentally. Anything worth doing is worth doing right. This is something I care about so I don't want to do it half assed.

So I begin to study. I read things online. I download free yoga books to my phone. I looked up YouTube videos, and started to learn about the teachings of yoga. I learned about the Yamas and Niyamas. I studied  chakras, and The Eight Limbs Of Yoga, anything I could find. I was thirsty for knowledge.

Someone very close to me once said, "Don't speak about it. Be about it." Wise words that many cannot live by, or choose not to live by. I am no better than anyone else, and often found myself guilty of this, what was I going to do to change it? I realized that if I wanted to become a good teacher it would be necessary for me to be a good example as well.

The teachings of yoga are good ones and I was unable to find any reason not to apply these things into my day to day life:

Being understanding, and tolerating, honesty with ourselves as well as others, avoiding endless chattering with no clear purpose, not coveting things we do not have, and appreciating what we DO have, eating healthy natural foods, looking at yourself before judging others, what purpose, surrendering. The list goes on.

All of these things seemed very positive, and reasonable, to me. If there was a reason not to attempt undertaking them in my day to day life, I couldn't see it, so  I decided that was going to "be about it."

Recently I took some time off from Asanas  to complete a month long, four day a week, endurance and bodybuilding course. Needless to say I was more than a little bit excited to get back into yoga.

In my off time I still tried to keep my mind open and focused on my goals. I abstained from junk food, and eased myself into an all natural, mostly organic, diet.

Back into Asanas for a month now, and I'm ready to grab life, and yoga, by the balls.

LETS DO THIS THING!