Anatta - The River

Anatta - refers to the notion of "not-self" or the illusion of "self" sometimes refereed to as ego. 


I am a river, not the person I was yesterday. Always changing. The water is different, quickly flowing downstream. Strong currents moving pebbles and debris downstream as well. The banks of me are changing, though at a slower pace. There is not one part of me that is fixed. Even the large rock and boulders, that the rest is stacked upon, will weather down and one day drift away.

Nothing within is fixed, so there cannot be a "me" or "I".




Photo By David Rivera - Revolution Photos TX

Fragile

It hardly seemed real. Seeing the full name of someone who had once been very close to me displayed next to the word obituary on the computer screen. Certainly I must be confused.

It's common for people to see faces in inanimate objects where none actually exists. We are automatically programmed to seek out familiarities in situations that or foreign to us. Surely, I must be mistaken.

Thinking back. Did I ever really hear that middle name? The age? It could be a coincidence. Jumping to conclusions. My mind playing tricks on me.

Fingers, frantically strumming, desperately seeking to disprove answers that my hart already had. In dental, trying to lift the rock that had become lodged, heavy in my stomach.

Why? There it was. The confirmation on my screen. Undeniable proof of the horrid injustice.

He was not even thirty years old, and always a wonderful, caring person. A bright light in the world. Why?

Such things hardly seem fair, but then again they aren't. This world is not a fair place, and life is fragile. Death lurks around every corner as we often take this life for granted.

I don't want to look at this truth in front of me, but it is almost impossible to look away. This is real, and pretending otherwise is not helpful.

I still remember the day, the beginning of the end was it 6. . . 7 years ago? A scary situation, though at the time nobody had yet realize the chain of events that had suddenly been put into motion. 

Thanksgiving day at my grandparents house. My phone rings. I cannot recall the conversation, but I remember being called to the hospital.

There had been a car accident. Someone had speed carelessly through a red light. The domino effect, that would take a while to be come apparent. 

Sitting in the ER waiting room. I still remember his calm and cool posture. Slouched back in the plastic waiting room seat, green Converse shoe popping out of the white and blue hospital gown over a crossed knee.  "Look, I got blood on my favorite shoes!" He said it with a huge smile. 

He always had a way of lighting the mood with his infectious smile.  Why should this moment be any different. 

Months down the road, I remember him describing strange events where he would loose time. These instances would often occur during his morning showers. He would "wake up" or "snap out of it" and the water in the shower would have run cold. 

We decided these must have been big gaps, since our thirty gallon water heater was sufficient for a fairly long shower.

Seizures. Eventually these events were named. The accident had caused much more damage than was originally discovered. Lasting damage, permanent, and eventually the end.

Last one to know, the news now over a year old, but still a shock to me. Processing the information and letting it sink in.

This bright light, prematurely extinguished. Drawing the lesson that life is fragile. Further proof that we can never guarantee tomorrow. A valuable lesson, from an unfortunate tragedy.

My Sangha - The Tempermental Buddha

As I journey down this road less traveled, seeking the spiritual life, I venture into a place unknown by my friends and loved ones. Living in a Judeo-Christian nation, teachers and followers of the Buddha Dharma are a rarity. Living in a small Texas town, there are no Guru's or temples to visit for instruction.

I do not personally know any true "Buddhist practitioners" nor, to my knowledge, have I met any. Some might say that a solitary study of the Buddha Dharma is a hindrance, or possibly even a problem, but I do not see it that way.

The historical Buddha, Shakyamuni, is said to have reached enlightenment after a six year journey on his own, at the age of 35. It is my understanding that on the path to enlightenment Siddhartha learned and studied with religious seekers from a variety of religions, none of them "Buddhist."

Eventually, upon reaching enlightenment, Shakyamuni Buddha was able to share and explain the Dharma that he had learned to his companions and family, rapidly gathering a multitude of disciples.

Despite these difficulties, I am extremely grateful for the tools that I do have, though I still wish I had more free time. Living in modern American society, and having a full time job, leaves very little time for religious study and meditation.

I began my journey on the internet, reading on Buddhist websites and listening to free downloads of Dharma lectures. As my thirst for knowledge grew, so did my sources. A radio commercial for the local used book store, advertising twenty percent off already low prices, directed me to a new source of affordable study materials.

I now take great joy in, and look forward to, spending my spare moments deep in the study of these materials. I feel as if I have come a very long way since taking on my first five precepts. Since I have no traditional sangha to guide and assist me in my practice, I feel that it is my duty to hold myself to a very high moral standard. 

When a student who is involved in  a more traditional, communal, study of the Dharma teachings decides to commit themselves to living a life based on the Buddha's teachings - by taking refuge in the three jewels (Buddha, Dharma, & Sangha) and taking on the first five precepts - there is often a small ceremony, similar to a baptism, where a new "Buddhist name" is given. 

I pondered over taking a name for a while, not wanting to take this commitment lightly. One I felt as if I was ready, the name came easily, but still, I reflected over it for a while.

I don’t see anything wrong with my solitary studies. In fact, I believe this solitude has played an instrumental part in my development of an unbiased practice, forcing me to truly question and test out the subjects of my studies, allowing me to draw my own conclusions about the teachings. 

Lessons and sanghas come in many shapes and forms. I have heard, in sermons, that the Buddha said something to the effect of "anything that leads to enlightenment, take it as my Dharma." I am paraphrasing, but the message was clear to me. 

There is another quote hat I hold near to my heart - “People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.” - Dalai Lama XIV. 

As I hike along through the mountains of my Dharma journey it is apparent that my path is not well traveled. As I push forward, cutting away at the overgrown weeds in my own mind, I have no fear. This is my road, but I am not entirely alone. 

Someone very close to me, who is definitely not a Buddhist, has actually been a huge help in pushing me to pursue “putting my Dharma where my mouth is” with constant reminders like, “Don’t talk about it - be about it.”

This person’s paradoxical tendencies are always intriguing to me. A unique personality, layered with innate Buddha like wisdom, but this vessel simultaneously houses a very non-Buddha like temperament. A living embodiment of Yin and Yang - he is my sangha, and my guru. 

With joy, I chuckle to myself.  "In such an unlikely place. . . My Temperamental Buddha.” 

Moments

Flashes of brilliant clarity moving in waves.
In realization I reach out with my mind, as if attempting to nail down these fleeting states of consciousness.

The fingers of my mind reaching,grasping, and the moment is gone. I barely miss, as the moment vanishes like a cloud of smoke. It is as if my effort is a strong wind, rapidly dispersing the vapor.

Sitting, mildly frustrated, searching for answers. Reflecting on the hours of study. Despite my efforts, I am unable to maintain the dagger like concentration that I can still remember from only a few weeks ago.

Moving in waves, flowing like the oceans washing over me, purifying, cleansing. Mind seeing clearly without eyes that deceive.

Moments, flashes of brilliant clarity, are still just moments subject to change.

Photo by David Rivera of Revolution Photos 

In the Moment

Staying in the moment. My mind is like a wild and unruly animal, bucking, twisting, and pulling at the reigns. Wandering between past and future, like a horse pulling first to the right, and then heading straight - only for a moment - before veering back off to the left. I steer my thoughts, struggling against the beast, begging it to bend to my will. 

I find myself to be counting each long, slow, breath, demanding my focus to shift to this present action, and forbidding everything but the most basic of thoughts from entering my mind. 

For a moment all is calm. My thoughts propel forward, like a laser beam, sharp, and focused. The animal is at rest. Profound clarity penetrates my being, vibrating, echoing, within me. I cling to this place, where there is only now. Dwelling in an existence that has no past, and cares not for the future.

I am driving, speeding, down the road, aware of each and every action. There, in the empty space, something resonates. There is nothing leading up to this moment, and there is nothing to follow. Only now. . . 

A delightful, new world. This is a place I could live, but I am unprepared, and ill equipped to stay. I make the most of my visit, enjoying the fresh view.

Hours pass. Eventually, I realize that I have returned. Yes,back in the world of past imprints and future concerns. The other place has, somehow, become a fond memory. Despite my efforts, I am unsure of the moment that my return actually occurred.

Here, again, is the beast. A kitten, curled up in the corner, wiser. Knowing of this place.  Tail twitching in all directions, but slowly, and with intention. Lying in wait and ready for the hidden passageways of the mind to once again open up.

The doorway. The Escape. 

Now

Now is is on my mind

Now is the place that I am exploring 

Now is this moment of clarity 

Now I am clinging to this state of present because

Now is where am trying to stay - steering my mind away from the future

The future that is elusive

The future that cannot be forecast 

The future that is constantly changing because of actions that we are carrying out now

The future is not where we are dwelling, and visiting it is a fantasy

The future is not relevant or certain  until now merges into it

Now is precious, each moment we have is a gift

Now is here - it is concrete, true

Now is clarity - directing the mind to stay in this place brings peace

Now is the only moment that is real, everything else is gone or an illusion

Now can have no effect on the past because the past is a place that cannot be touched

The past is gone forever - never to return

The past is a tool used for learning, viewed like a story in a movie

The past is not a place to dwell because it cannot be changed

The past, now gone, is no longer relevant to our current state

The past has passed, evolving into the now

Now is the only moment within our control - it is a time to act with mindfulness

Now is the home that we live in, the place we are meant to stay

Now is the only moment that is truly guaranteed - we cannot count on plans for tomorrow

Now the inspiration is flowing smoothly, clearly - serenity surrounds me and I am free

Now staying, holding onto the present

Ego Is a Child

I sit 

quietly listening 

Gazing out the window

The sound of my breath caresses 

Thoughts  rolling in like dark storm clouds

Contemplating harsh words, and insults - raindrops in my mind

A narrow mind carelessly propelling lightening bolts from unskilled lips

The ego is awake and is sulking in the corner, like a child, asking to be understood

Attempting to shake this illusion, I bid my mind to move in a new direction - scolding the child

I struggle to view myself through foreign eyes, seeking to understand my aggressor

Fingering through lessons in my mind like pages of an encyclopedia

Buddhist elders, words of wisdom, reminding me of unity

the child is gone, or perhaps she might only be hiding

regardless of her location, I feel an easement

Free in clear mind, there is no self

only for a fleeting moment

I am only now

the past

is

gone.

Journey Down The Eight-Fold Path

First of all, I want to make sure to emphasize that I have not been on this journey for an extremely long period of time. Also, it should be noted that putting the objects of my studies onto text in my own words is primarily a tool that I am using to enhance my own understanding of these teachings, but in sharing my journey through learning, it is my hope that I can be of some assistance to others who are seeking to find their way down the same path that I am currently traveling.

In my previous blog about the Four Noble Truths I briefly mentioned the path that will liberate us from suffering, the Eight Fold Path, and promised to go into this topic in greater detail at a later date. True to my word, here is my next educational entry titled "Journey Down the Eight-Fold Path."

The Path can be divided into three basic divisions. Wisdom, ethical conduct, & concentration. 

• Wisdom

• Right View - Other translations: Perfect/complete vision, right understanding
  

• Right Intention -  Other translations: right thought/attitude/resolve/conception, perfect emotion

• Ethical Conduct

• Right Speech - Other translations: Perfect/whole speech
• Right Action - Other translations: right conduct, integral action
• Right Livelihood -  Or proper livelihood (how you earn a living)

• Concentration

• Right Effort - Other translations: right endeavor/diligence, complete/full effort
• Right Mindfulness - Other translations: right awareness/attention, complete/thorough awareness
• Right Concentration - Other translations: mindfulness, absorption, concentration, meditation.

Lets start from the beginning with Right View. I personally prefer the term right understanding. At the beginning of the path it is necessary to establish an unclouded view of reality. Taking this to heart, I began to think deeply about the impermanence of all worldly things - people, belongings, jobs, relationships, life. I pondered over suffering, and have started to see suffering as something that "just is." The world is what we make it, and so are the situations we are in. Along with studying and incorporating right view into my life I also began to study Karma, which I will also go into at a later date. 

The second stop along The Path is Right Intention. This stop on the path, or step, involves being committed to the ethical improvements of the mind. In order to have the right intention one must act with good will - resisting feelings of aversion and anger, restrain oneself from the pulls of desire. Also it is necessary to abstain from acts that cause harm - cruel/violent/aggressive acts. In place of these feelings we are to develop compassion and love.  Personally, I felt like eating meat would be considered wrong intention, because we do not need to eat meat to survive, and eating meat causes unnecessary suffering and harm to animals. 

Right Speech, the first part of the Path dealing with ethical conduct, is the section that I personally have the hardest time with. I have always been a talker. I talk too much, have the tendency to come off rude, and am constantly "putting my foot in my mouth." Right Speech includes speaking only truth, and abstaining from negative speech about others. Also, when practicing right speech, one must use caution not to speak with harsh words that offend or hurt others, and (my weakness) abstaining from idle chatter. Idle chatter is referred to as meaningless conversation that has no reason or depth. For me, learning to talk only when necessary has been difficult, so I have been telling myself, "Shut up, listen more." Eventually I hope that these ways of speech become natural to me, but in the meantime I am always attempting to be mindful. 

Right Action is categorized as actions carried out by our physical bodies. If we carry out negative, or unwholesome, actions our minds cannot be pure, because our actions have the ability to taint our minds."Wrong Actions" would be killing, harming others - intentionally or unintentionally, stealing - taking what is not given, and sexual misconduct (rape, predatory sexual attitudes, & lust) keeping sexual relationships harmless to others. Right Action is also tied into the Precepts, which is another blog that I will owe in the future.

Having the Right Livelihood means earning your living in a righteous manor. There are four very specific activities that Shakyamuni Buddha mentioned that cause harm, and because of this should be avoided. Dealing with weapons, dealing living beings (slavery, prostitution, and raising animals for slaughter) and selling poisons and intoxicants (alcohol & drugs).

Right Effort, the first section of the path that falls into the category of Concentration, is often seen as a prerequisite for other areas of the path. If you are not willing to make an effort, than nothing else can be achieved. It is important to examine the reasons for your efforts, because misguided efforts are not Right Efforts. Right Effort has four main aspects. Effort to prevent the arising of anger, greed, and ignorance. Effort to rid negative qualities that already exist. The Effort to grow skillful and wholesome qualities such as loving kindness, wisdom, and generosity. Lastly the Effort to cultivate and strengthen the qualities mentioned above that have already arisen. 

Right Mindfulness comes from a the ability to see things as they really are. When one achieves Right Mindfulness one is able to observe our thoughts and control the way we interpret them, almost as if from an exterior point of view. Four foundations for mindfulness laid out by Buddha were: mindfulness of body, mindfulness of feelings/sensations (attractions, dislikes, or neutral), mindfulness of mind/mental processes (state of mind), and mindfulness of mental objects or qualities. 

The finally we come to Right Concentration. Concentration is defined, in this context, as one pointedness of mind. Single focus on wholesome thoughts and actions. In Buddhism, meditation is the vehicle for achieving this. 

Words Spilling onto Virtual Paper

Pretty words on paper. Ideas dancing and swirling in my mind like music. The melody working itself out on my keyboard, my fingers keeping time, clicking away each key stroke its own unique pitch.

Typing is like therapy. Watching the words appear on the page, one letter at a time, as if a magical force is transferring the ideas in my head onto the screen.

I can blog from almost anywhere, always free to plunge, deeply, into the seductions of the written word. 

The internet really is wondrous creation. It tempts and entices, providing endless possibilities for the acquisition of knowledge. With only a few swirls and clicks anyone can virtually navigate and address the globe. 

It becomes my my lover. It calls to me, offering endless knowledge. Page after page, vigorously searching, I become a seeker on an endless quest always craving more.

Free thinking

I have always been a learner and a thinker, searching for knowledge, spending countless hours of my childhood with my nose buried in an encyclopedia. 

"Little Me" - the young me, in my earliest years, just out of diapers - loved the word "why". I asked this question constantly, even when being told what to do by my mother and other adults.

This was not a term intended to imply disrespect, although it was often taken that way. I would have always been happy to comply with the requests of my elders, but it has never been in my nature to follow blindly. 

Although the desire to know the meaning behind actions caused me a great deal of trouble growing up, this inquisitive nature has served me well as an adult. 

I still prefer to make decisions and choices with as much information as possible, because even a very small piece of information can sometimes completely change the required that is required.

At my very heart, "Now Me" is not a great deal changed from who Little Me was. Yes, I have evolved and grown in many ways, but when you strip away the illusions that  modern American society provided as I grew up, I am still an eager mind seeking growth and knowledge.

Now Me is still asking Little Me's favorite question - "Why?"